Samsung, I get it: you are not Apple, and you like making fun of Apple. But in its latest slew of iAds, Samsung basically throws any semblance of taste and humor out the window to make fun of Apple mostly for the sake of doing it. Behold.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vA8xPyBAs_o&feature=em-uploademail

In this ad we see Samsung making fun of the fact that Apple's livestream of the iPhone 6 event sucked. It did - it was terrible. Like, as bad as Samsung's Wi-Fi at a press conference terrible. Ever been to a Samsung press conference? They hand out a Wi-Fi password with, I believe, the sole purpose of stopping people asking if there's a Wi-Fi network. I have literally never, ever been to a Samsung event with functional Wi-Fi, because it is overloaded within about 30 seconds of the press conference's start. Here, by the way, is Samsung's Unpacked Episode 2 press conference in full, in which a band no one has heard of uses some Note 3s as half-assed synthesizers during a performance of - wait for it - Samsung's god damn theme music. Samsung's had some pretty boring press conferences, but I have to say that this year's IFA Note 4 unveil was the most boring I've ever had the displeasure of sitting through - it was thoroughly agonizing. Even with the crappy livestream, Apple's press conference was at least engaging and even sometimes entertaining (regardless of the merits of the products themselves). And they got U2 to perform, which even as someone who is not a U2 fan, I can appreciate.

Samsung, your press conferences suck, they really, really do. Making fun of Apple's livestream, craptacular as it was (and which we all made a good deal of fun about), seems a little out of touch when the only people clapping at your press conferences are investors and event staff.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUnlnopG_Xs&feature=em-uploademail

Here we see Samsung making a joke your dad could come up with in his sleep: "haha look at Apple their screens are just now getting big what is this 2011?" I'm going to go out on a limb and say that has near as humanly possible to absolutely nothing to do with the fact that making a big screen is hard, it's just that Apple has been weirdly resistant (see: Steve Jobs) to enlarging the iPhone. Now that it is bigger, surprise surprise, some Apple fans are not going for that so much. Even Apple apologist extraordinaire John Gruber isn't quite on board.

And come on, Samsung, like this is the only thing Apple did with the iPhone 6. You know, aside from a brand-new, industry-first in mobile 64-bit 20nm processor, an extremely beefy GPU, a reduction in storage pricing, a camera that does 240FPS slow-mo video, and a modem that's at feature parity with anything Android has to offer. If you actually want to pander to geeks with that largely-unnecessary Quad HD display (which said ad shamelessly advertises in the title and description), dumbing down the iPhone 6 to "a bigger screen" is an oversimplification to an absurd extent.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vPqVYyes0PM&feature=em-uploademail

This is probably my favorite - in this spot Samsung fails to even advertise its own feature correctly. They claim to be talking about multi-window, but instead all we see at the end of the ad is the standard multitasking interface Samsung aped from Android L. Apple has had task-switching since iOS 4, by the way, and detailed task switching since iOS 7 last year, so Samsung's ad doesn't really make any sense based on what they actually show the Note 4 doing.... because the iPhone does, and has done, that.

What they meant to show the Note 4 doing was multi-window, a feature Samsung has been attempting to shove down users' throats since the Galaxy Note 10.1 and I see precisely nobody holding up as a shining beacon of Samsung innovation at this point. It's a neat trick, but it's still kind of just that: a trick. Android wasn't designed for it, and Samsung has gone hot-and-cold on updating it over the years, with the Note 4 apparently being an attempt to get the multi-window ball rolling again.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rask0SaAFJ8&feature=em-uploademail

Samsung moves on to the fast-charging feature of the Note 4, which is to say it basically has Qualcomm's QuickCharge 2.0 tech, which allows you take your battery from 0-100% in a little over 1.5 hours given ideal conditions and a device that supports the full charging power.

This may end up being a fair point. The new iPhone 6 will probably charge more slowly in terms of milliamp-hours over time, as iPhones typically have - probably pulling down the same 5W as iPhones before them. The difference is that iPhones typically have much, much smaller batteries - the iPhone 5S's is under 1500mAh, well under half the size of a Note 4's. The iPhone 6 Plus may push the 2000mAh barrier, but I doubt it'll be by much if it does. Apple has generally aimed for a 2-hour charge time for the iPhone, so who knows, maybe they'll ship a slightly uprated wall wart for the 6 Plus.

One of the big annoyances about this ad is that Samsung is basing its boasting on non-existent data points. No one knows how fast the iPhone 6 or 6 Plus will charge, except Apple. Will the iPhone 6 Plus go from 0-50% in 30 minutes like the Note 4? Probably not - Apple understands the abuse people give their phones: ultra-quick charging diminishes cycle lifetime, which isn't a great idea if you've got a non-removable battery. Still, Samsung has no idea - they're guessing, which makes this ad seem a bit desperate.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YA_ocaqTlw&feature=em-uploademail

In this video, Samsung laments the fact that iPhone and iPad users still have to "use their fingers." OK, except that's kind of sort of not really true - see: here, here, and here. And those are just the more respectable stylus options. No, the iPhone and iPad do not have dedicated stylus digitizers. Is anyone freaking out over this? Most Note users don't even seem to be using the stylus, but Samsung is intent on pushing it as a point of distinction because... it's a point of distinction. It's cool that you have it, Samsung, but the S Pen remains one of the less compelling reasons to buy a Note smartphone for most people.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpv5_SPrk_w&feature=em-uploademail

Finally, Samsung talks about wearables. I'll let the Gear jokes make themselves.

Samsung, these ads aren't funny. I didn't even smirk - except maybe for that part when you confused multiwindow with multitasking. You do your thing, let Apple do theirs - these advertisements are an embarrassment to the Samsung brand, and make the old "The Next Big Thing" ads look like straight-up art. The joke was maybe kind of a little funny 3 years ago: it's time to let it go.