You're a dick. I mean, in this game. Well, you could be a dick in real life, for all I know, but that's not what we're talking about. We're talking about phalluses. Why are we talking about phalluses? Because sometimes when we're trying to track down great games and apps for you guys to try, we accidentally stumble upon male genitalia. The Play Store is much like Chatroulette in that regard.
I'll be honest: I have no idea what's going on in this game. Towelfight 2: The Monocle of Destiny appears to be a pretty basic twin-stick shooter, right up until you notice that your wizened player character is shooting homicidal, spherical animals out of his eye. These critters have powers of their own, including lasers, chainsaws, and explosions. And when you kill enemies, they burst into Batman-style sound effects, which for some reason include "dirigible" and "maple syrup." Also, there's a dog, and you can play fetch with him.
The hits just keep on coming. Today's delightfully twisted game is Battle Bears Royale and, just like it says on the box, this game features bears. That battle each other. With sniper rifles, machine guns, and cactuses. If you've ever played Team Fortress 2, you'll feel right at home (though it's hard to seriously say the quality is as high as the Valve game, but what is?) with the class system.
Artem gives me all the weird stuff. I love it, really. In the last week or so alone, I've covered Shaq fighting mutant zombies, Santa Claus as a rock star, sentient pudding, and a walk in the park. I thought I couldn't be happier. Then he brings me 'Sacred Guns'. This game stars Archangel Mark Leung (which appears to be the same name of one of the primary devs on this project), wielding his dual golden pistols and rainbow sword against an army of "God's unwanted creation." Apparently, when the Lord Almighty wanted to flood the Earth to cleanse it of sin, "sin" was code for "evil Teletubbies." Which makes perfect sense.
Remember yesterday when I said some games go beyond description? This is more what I was talking about. McPixel is a game in which things explode...or sometimes a volcano erupts? And you're a person (I think) that has to defuse bombs. Or put them places. Or make statues sneeze. It's really very confusing, in the best way. The objective is to stop things from exploding by doing things. Which may include stealing an old person's dentures, setting monks on fire, and kicking flashers.
Sometimes, a game comes along that is so bizarre, so weird, so completely out there that it's difficult to describe just how strange it is. This isn't one of them. In this game, a unicorn teaches you how to use farts to kill zombies. Duh. Of course some walkers only react to certain types of flatulence. Everyone knows this. That's why we have unicorn trainers.
After the infamous attempted AT&T acquisition of T-Mobile (also known as the biggest failure in telecom in 2011), the latter has apparently been working on restoring its image in the eyes of consumers with a complete brand re-launch, due this fall. The first step - a new Carly. We know the old Carly in a magenta dress showing off her long legs, but the new Carly is going to turn into this bad-ass Ducati rider.
Adding to the ever-growing list of knockoff devices found overseas, Nexian (an Indonesian mobile phone manufacturer) brings us the Android Magic A893 – a device that looks awfully similar to the iPhone, but which packs Android 2.2 Froyo and rings in at IDR 1,599,000 (about $175 USD). To get a better idea of the device's eerily familiar form factor, check out this unboxing video:
And here are the device's (less than magical) specs:
Android 2.2 Froyo
WCDMA 2100MHz and GSM 900/1800 MHz compatibility
3.5" HVGA multitouch display
VGA front shooter and 2MP rear camera
8GB Internal memory
To the Magic's credit, the inclusion of interchangeable back plates is a nice touch, and the fact that the device (allegedly) has a capacitive display may put this device slightly above other knockoffs you may have seen.
This morning, I got a new app tip in my inbox with an inconspicuous subject "New android app." Not knowing what to expect, I opened it up and read the following, followed by the app's description:
Good news! We just launched a new essential android application: the Wankometer.
At this point, I stopped reading, experiencing conflicting feelings that can only be described as a mix of extreme WTFness, curiosity, and preliminary pride for the Android platform (I had a feeling that Steve Jobs would not let this app into the iOS App Store, and I was right).
The Android team sure has a sense of humor. Previously, in the Froyo SDK, besides tons of awesome code, they've also added a function called wtf() (What a Terrible Failure) and an even more hilarious isUserAMonkey() that returns true if the user interface is currently being messed with by a monkey.
Examining the Honeycomb SDK docs released earlier today, armed with a hint from Roman Nurik, I found the following gem: fyiWillBeAdvancedByHostKThx().