I don't like spiders. I know that's a statement that almost anyone can make, but I really don't like them, to a point where I can somehow sense them in a room. On many an occasion, my friends and parents and coworkers have seen me get off my chair and go look in an invisible corner or push some piece of furniture away to reveal a spider behind it. Then calmly ask someone to come get rid of it. Call it my spidey sense, call it my curse to find the horrors of life, it's that bad.

So no, I don't find this new Android Mini figurine adorable. My definition of adorable is a refreshing cutesy watermelon, not the horror that this Webcrawler is. I don't like its six hands, its crawl-friendly shape, its black color, the dangling spider on its back, or the whole deadly vibe it gives. If you're a developer, you may not like his "it'll take some time" hourglass belly or the fact that he'll crawl through all your sites and servers and index and log every change. Plus, 8-bit? I mean what is this, the past century?

Artem called it "fucking amazing" when he spotted it, I say, "Artem, you fool, this ain't no 3" harmless plastic creature and you should know better!" If you're as gullible as our sysadmin, you can grab one on October 23 when it becomes available. Price isn't mentioned, but history tells us it'll be $10. Yeah, a measly Hamilton is all it takes to bring this terrifying lethal creature into your home. Just don't come crying to me when it sneaks under your pillow at night. I warned you.

The WebCrawler is now on sale.