Welcome back to the Android Police Files, your #1 source for the brilliant stuff that the AP staff receives in our mailboxes. Since we last convened, a lot has happened. The latest version of Android shares a name with a branded product for the first time since 4.4 KitKat. The Galaxy Note8 was released, and it doesn't catch fire. And most recently, a Canadian 17-year old and his "youth leadership coach" tried to pass a Chinese ODM's phone off as their own and crowdsource it on Indiegogo.

There will always be new things going on in the world, but there's one thing that we know will never change: crazy people sending us crazy messages. Without further ado, let's dive in.

Letter #1

Subject: Help

Text:

actually I am opening a website like android stuff
so can you please suggest me what things I should have before publishing the website

I will be very houour
Pls sir help me
sir/ma'am
Thanks

We think a good name for your new site would be "Droid Deputy," or maybe "Samsung Sheriff." We might be a little partial to these police-oriented names, though.

Letter #2

Subject: my sd card write disable

Text:

Ican't create or rename or delete on my sd card.I hope you fix this problem.

Letter #3

Subject: Publish my app!!!!!!!!

Reason: Website Feedback

Text:
Hello, why my app "WonderMusic" is not going to be published?!?!?! Publish it or I will make use of further legal actions!!!!!!!!

The extra exclamation points and question marks really scared us - so much so that Artem made this G+ post out of pure frightUnfortunately for the dev, people started giving him 1-star reviews, and he defended himself by replying to each with "Congratulations, your review will be reported to Google! I'm not joking!" As of today, WonderMusic has 1.9 stars on the Play Store. Karma does not take kindly to unreasonable demands.

Letter #4

Subject: AVAST Installation ERROR

Text:

AVAST INSTALLATION ERROR , AVAST TECHNICAL HELP , AVAST SUPPORT PHONE NUMBER

This isn't Google or some sort of online 411, sir/madam. But a quick Google search revealed that Avast support's phone number is 1 (844) 340-9251. Let your CS rep know that we sent you.

Letter #5

Subject: Please do you speak English? Because I'm Barrister and I have something to discuss with you?

Text:

*empty*

It just so happens that we do speak English. That means that we know when to use question marks, and when not to. And this isn't how DMCA requests work, Mr. Barrister.

Letter #6

Subject: Spyware

Reason: Website Feedback

Text:
I need all that ad evidence for court

Would you happen to have any relation to the "barrister" above? Because your request is equally as reasonable as his.

Letter #7

Subject: STOP!

Reason: Website Feedback

Text:
Seriously Adam fucking STOP IT!!!!

Okay, but only because you used caps lock. (Notice that the monkey is actually hitting the caps lock key area in the GIF below. We're all about the details here at AP.)

Letter #8

Crazy Stuff <[email protected]> | 4:30 AM (12 hours ago)

Hey there, How much would that be to run an ad at your next video?

Artem Russakovskii  | 7:50 AM (9 hours ago)

What are you advertising?

Sincerely,
Artem

Crazy Stuff | 8:21 AM (8 hours ago)

Now that I know ur fuckin rusish SWAIN - NOTHING ! :D

Hate to break it to you, [email protected], but Artem isn't "rusish." He's Ukrainian, although I do see how you'd get "Russian" from "Russakovskii." But how did you forget how to English in the span of four hours?

That's all, folks!

Like what you saw and haven't yet suffered permanent brain damage? Previous editions of the AP Files can be found here. But we must warn you: permanent brain damage is likely if you keep reading these things.

And just as a reminder: you don't have to be tech-illiterate to send us tips. In fact, it's not even preferred. If you've got some information that you think we should know, check out our contact page to see all the ways you can reach us.