With all of those Christmas gifts and family gatherings come loads of trash that need to be tossed out the day after. The same can be said for email. We've received quite a few messages since our last installment of the Android Police Files, and while many of them were helpful tips and other notices, some were not so useful. We trashed as much of it as we could, but some items we felt were better off dragged out onto the sidewalk for the public to see.

So take a gander, and hopefully you will get more joy from these nuggets than we did. In retrospect, they're pretty funny. And just for you, this post-Christmas edition of our most off-topic column contains more than the usual eight letters.

APFiles2

Letter #1

Subject: Play store taking more time to download

Text: (no text)

 

2 minutes later...

Subject: Youtube is not playing any video

Text: (no text)

If you look below the subject line, there is a significantly larger box where you can fit many more words. This isn't Twitter, so feel free to provide us with details and context. This is a tip line, after all, and if it turns out you're just dealing with a faulty router - that's not news.

Letter #2

Subject: The Game : GT Racing 2

Text:

Hello

Is the GAME :

GT Racing 2: The Real Car Exp

also working for my SAMSUNG GALAXY Tab 3 / 8.0 ??

SOON BACKANSWER !

XXXXX

 Please, let's just take a closer look at how this email was formatted.

Formatting

The 1990s called. Here, it's for you.

Letter #3

Subject: (no subject)

Text:

Hello,
I'm not too pleased with your service, I've already sent a dozen emails and it seems as though the people/computers replying to them are completely oblivious to what I'm saying. I was charged 3 times for an app which I did not download, it appearing on my bank and its not appearinf through Google play store, ill be more than happy to provide (emphasis added). Please respond !!!!

Provide... what? Some of us are more than willing to accept alternative forms of payment in return for our services, but it all depends on precisely what it is you're willing to provide. And what it is you're asking for, to be honest.

Letter #4

Subject: how do i apply

Text:

how do i apply for one the free minutes and phones who qualifies. i really need a phone bad I pray i can get one from you

Drat, you just missed our last phone giveaway. All I can say is to keep your eyes peeled for when the next one rolls around. Maybe you will get lucky.

Letter #5

Subject: (no subject)

Text:

Yo wat up wit the fraud notice about Samsung note 3 owner Google play store credit I put my information and error message then last nite wade phone call ads. Wat give I been calling back and fort wit Google and Samsung and they don't now anything you guys talking about

Dude, I don't even know.

Letter #6

Subject: (no subject)

Text:

What is this all about?

Excuse me, this one needs to be shared in the chat room.

Why

Letter #7

Subject: I do NOT want a monthly membership!

Text:

I have a Google play gift card. How do I get it to work? I am lost.

There is a moment between creating a subject and typing out the remainder of an email where a person forgets what it was they were going to write about. It happens to the best of us.

Letter #8

Subject: Snapchat

Text:

I think you should let snap chat be compatible with Android Tablet . Please fix it or give it to the users .

We don't get mixed with anything that involves any combination of our readers and Snapchat.

 

But Wait - There's More!

Normally we stop these things after eight emails, but let's just say we haven't yet lost the Christmas spirit. Besides, there's a big wide Internet out there, and email is far from the only means of embarrassing oneself online.

Letter #9

This one's a long one, so the formatting's slightly different from usual. Each email's subject is in bold.

(no subject)

Hello sir, i have a problem with my tab funbook P350. Please sir help
me. For security purpose i set pattern to unlock screen, but now i
forgot that pattern. As i try more than 5 times, tab shows a screen
which says that to unlock screen sign in with gmail account. But thing
is that before i lock screen of my tab i set"MOBILE DATA- OFF". Now,
How can i sign in, to unlock screen? Please help me, My tablets IMEI
no is XXXXXXXXXXXXX can you reset my tablet via online. Please help
me what can i do?

13 minutes later...

(no subject)
Hello sir, i have a problem with my tab funbook P350. Please sir help me For security purpose i set pattern to unlock screen, but now i forgot that pattern. As i try more than 5 times, tab shows a screen which says that to unlock screen sign in with gmail account. But thing is that before i lock screen of my tab i set"MOBILE DATA- OFF". Now, How can i sign in, to unlock screen? Please help me, i am in thane. My tablets IMEI no is XXXXXXXXXXXXX can you reset my tablet via online. Please help me what can i do?

6 minutes later...

For helping me
Hello sir, i have a problem with my tab funbook P350. Please sir help me For security purpose i set pattern to unlock screen, but now i forgot that pattern. As i try more than 5 times, tab shows a screen which says that to unlock screen sign in with gmail account. But thing is that before i lock screen of my tab i set"MOBILE DATA- OFF". Now, How can i sign in, to unlock screen? Please help me, i am in thane. My tablets IMEI no is XXXXXXXXXXXXX can you reset my tablet via online. Please help me what can i do?

4 minutes later...

For helping me
Hello sir, i have a problem with my tab funbook P350. Please sir help
me For security purpose i set pattern to unlock screen, but now i
forgot that pattern. As i try more than 5 times, tab shows a screen
which says that to unlock screen sign in with gmail account. But thing
is that before i lock screen of my tab i set"MOBILE DATA- OFF". Now,
How can i sign in, to unlock screen? Please help me, My tablets IMEI
no is XXXXXXXXXXXXX can you reset my tablet via online. Please help
me what can i do?

3 hours later...

For helping me
Please sir help me. Please sir reply to me.
Hello sir, i have a problem with my tab funbook P350. Please sir help
me For security purpose i set pattern to unlock screen, but now i
forgot that pattern. As i try more than 5 times, tab shows a screen
which says that to unlock screen sign in with gmail account. But thing
is that before i lock screen of my tab i set"MOBILE DATA- OFF". Now,
How can i sign in, to unlock screen? Please help me, i am in thane. My
tablets IMEI no is XXXXXXXXXXXXX can you reset my tablet via online.
Please help me what can i do?

2 minutes later...

For helping me.
"Please sir help me". "Please sir reply to me".
Hello sir, i have a problem with my tab funbook P350. Please sir help me For security purpose i set pattern to unlock screen, but now i forgot that pattern. As i try more than 5 times, tab shows a screen which says that to unlock screen sign in with gmail account. But thing is that before i lock screen of my tab i set"MOBILE DATA- OFF". Now, How can i sign in, to unlock screen? Please help me, i am in thane. My tablets IMEI no is XXXXXXXXXXXXX can you reset my tablet via online. Please help me what can i do?

Artem finally responds:
Stop emailing us.

New response:
So what i do now u can't help me. Tell if can reset my tab online or not. I have read on net that google adds remote phone lock and rest passward. Can i do it. If u do want to answer me, please give me googles email address.

A day later...
Sorry, i am replying u. But i want help from u. Is there is any way to on mobile data on my tab via online? Or is there is any way to reset tab online. My tab has android version 4.0.4

Another day later...

If u do want to help me so why u have open website and an email id. Shut it down.

Artem is really fed up now:
Fuck. Right. Off. Already.

Another response:
Fuck u. Right. Already.
Motherfucker. I fuck ur mother.

2 minutes later...

Fuck u. Right. Already.
Motherfucker. I fuck ur mother.

Angry words were said here. Let's pause for a moment to let ourselves cool off before moving to the next one, because believe me, things are about to get worse.

A Google Hangout With Jenson Phillips

November 29th 7:06 PM

Jenson Phillips: why not

 

November 30th 4:15 PM

Jenson Phillips: I have over 60 000 karma on reddit I think I can handle it

Artem Russakovskii: Sorry, what's this about? I seem to be missing the first part of the conversation

Also I'm drunk

 

December 2nd 8:25 AM

Jenson Phillips: i am applying for an android police writer job-

 

December 2nd 3:07 PM

Jenson Phillips: but obviously you cant see talent

 

December 2nd 6:39 PM

Artem Russakovskii: I am on vacation and right now I have no idea what you're talking about

I don't see a history in Hangouts

 

December 3rd 9:04 AM

Jenson Phillips: there is a history and you promised me that I could do an article on AP

Artem Russakovskii: I just checked my email and I don't see any history

And Hangouts doesn't show it either

Can you paste me the relevant history you're talking about?

Jenson Phillips: hmm that is weird

Artem Russakovskii: I'm really out of it while on vacation

Jenson Phillips: i can see that ha

 

December 13th 10:51 AM

Jenson Phillips: can you give me a nexus 5?

Artem Russakovskii: who the hell are you again?

you still never gave me any history

that we supposedly discussed something

and now you're asking about a Nexus 5

Jenson Phillips: I just want a free nexus 5

Artem Russakovskii: go away

fuck off

now you're pissing me off

Jenson Phillips: Good

Artem Russakovskii: bye

Jenson Phillips: DOX me cunt

Artem Russakovskii: you're being blocked

Jenson Phillips: ok

At least he took the blocking well. You can view a screenshot of this conversation on Artem's Google+ page.

That's All Folks!

I'm cutting you off here. There's a limit to how much trolling a person can handle at any one time, even secondhand, and I fear all of you are dangerously close to exceeding it.

Again, don't let what you've seen above lead you to believe that we don't want to hear from you. We absolutely do. So head on over to our contact page, and shoot us an email. We have some of the best readers out there, and no amount of bad apples can ruin this bunch.

Of course, if your email is particularly bad, there's a chance it will appear in future installments of the Android Police Files. Don't worry, we won't publish identifying information for any emails we receive.*

*Obnoxious Google Hangouts, on the other hand, are a different thing entirely.