15
Oct
pillow2

Let's say you're an angry Verizon Galaxy Nexus owner, which isn't a hard thing to be. Your phone still hasn't received Android 4.3, and Android 4.4 is right around the corner. The guy next to you at work has a Nexus 4 on a prepaid T-Mobile plan and uses the entirety of his wireless bill savings to buy KitKat Minis which he throws at you relentlessly while chanting "NEXUS 4 LYFE #HOLOYOLO." He comes dressed to every casual Friday in a homemade Matias Duarte button-down and has told you to "watch this" 38 times this year while using Google Wallet at the weekly staff meeting at Peet's, right before taking a photo sphere of his latte art. Again. He is the Nexusiest Man In The World. And you, you're on Verizon. You thought you could be Nexusy, too. But Verizon wants to step on your dreams and deprive you of the most important clause in the Nexus Bill Of Rights: timely Android updates.

So, you do what any reasonable customer would: complain on Twitter, like Tim Jarvis did.

The first reply from VZW support is typically unhelpful, but not exactly dismissive:

Mr. Jarvis was unfazed, and reiterated his point.

And this is when things started to get weird. Notice the signature tag on tweet changes, from '^NB' to '^AH.'

Oh my. A pillow? Verizon, soft, cuddly, and supportive? I'm not quite sure that's the customer support approach I'd go for, but hey, far be it from me to question the social media strategies of a multi-billion dollar corporation. Mr. Jarvis, once again, refuses to relent:

Then, things get downright condescending.

Tim Jarvis is not amused. Woohoo!

Do geese have penises? Yes, actually. But that's neither here nor there. How will Verizon Support respond to such a fowl insult?

The most likely explanation here? '^AH' is probably a Twitter bot that automatically responds to tweets after 5PM and before 9AM. The final response, from ^TH, was at 9:30AM, while the first response (^NB) was at 4:55PM, right before NB presumably clocked out for the day. I have to say, though, if that thing is a bot, it's probably doing more to piss off customers than it is to show them Verizon cares about their problems. Also, a pillow? Really? That's pretty weird, guys.

We were made aware of this amusing exchange via last week's This Week in Google podcast, and you can watch a clip of their commentary on the snafu below.

David Ruddock
David's phone is whatever is currently sitting on his desk. He is an avid writer, and enjoys playing devil's advocate in editorials, and reviewing the latest phones and gadgets. He also doesn't usually write such boring sentences.

  • Mike

    Like a pillow full of spikes. Stuffed with scheisse.

    • Bojan Bunić

      A lot of scheisse, apparently. Sprinkled with merde.

      • Daveon Jackson

        That's a lot of crap.

        • Lars Jeppesen

          Add som lort to that, please...

  • rpitera

    Like a pillow over your face, VZW smothers you with solutions. None of them being the one you need, of course.

    • Dan Wilczynski

      Cool Picture!

      • rpitera

        You obviously have great taste! :-)

    • rgucci

      The only time a pillow over the face is acceptable is if you are my Khaleesi.

      • rpitera

        TMI, rgucci.

  • merman1983

    VZW is literally Hitler. AP Confirmed!

    • spydie

      and if Hitler had won the war, we wouldn't be fighting a black president right now to stop destroying America

      • http://www.androidpolice.com/ Artem Russakovskii

        Aaaand for this you finally get a ban.

        • SkylaC90

          Finally! thanks and good riddance, now for the rest of em.,

        • lljktechnogeek

          You know who else banned people from Internet websites for posting nothing of any relevance to the discussion whatsoever?

          THAT'S RIGHT

          • andy_o

            Apparently he is pro-Hitler though. Because just saying "Hitler did it" was becoming so mainstream.

          • lljktechnogeek

            Just once, I'd like to make a joke about the overuse of Hitler comparisons without having it ruined by neo-Nazis.

      • Lars Jeppesen

        Wtf dude?? crazy mf'er

    • nebula

      Yep, and we don't have this carrier problems in Germany. But our carriers suck in getting acceptable LTE coverage.
      But I don't really care, since not a single carrier offers LTE in my city and furthermore am I a Nexus 4 user.

      • Jacob Martin

        You can enable LTE on the nexus.

        • Testraindrop

          You can, but as he is from Germany it would be useless as we have different bands than US...

          • Jacob Martin

            Sorry then, I figured he would have a localize version, that would in turn have local LTE frequencies.

          • ineedahelmet

            negative. The nexus 4 has only a single SKU worldwide and was only ever sold as a pentaband hspa+ device. The SOC and radio happen to support LTE but a license for LTE was not paid to qualcomm. Only the earliest of radio images could be toggled to LTE and even then, only on the 2100mhz band as there is no onboard power amplifier for any other frequency.

  • Jaime

    Wow I don't even...

  • https://plus.google.com/117835128512042732749/ Tyler

    I was in tears reading this, I couldn't stop laughing... "Like a pillow"

    • wideopn11

      "Stuffed for the very first time"...

      • http://www.androidpolice.com/author/eric-ravenscraft/ Eric Ravenscraft

        Not sure if that goes with the real song or the pillow-themed parody...

    • Stone Cold

      I am laughing now.

  • GreatNews

    what the hell does a pillow have with phones????

    • http://www.androidpolice.com/ David Ruddock

      Both are stuffed with goose down. That may or may not be accurate.

      • Wyatt Neal

        Caution: Goose down batteries may contain Aperture Science propriety technology. Open may result in a law suit and / or death.

        • Layman76

          Instructions unclear; Dick stuck in David Ruddock

      • nwd1911

        Your writing always makes me laugh, but your opening paragraph was especially amazing on this article. You are the main reason I most frequent AP over other sites. Keep it up! "...uses the entirety of his wireless bill savings to buy KitKat Minis which he throws at you relentlessly..."

        • http://www.androidpolice.com/ David Ruddock

          Aw, that makes me feel warm and fuzzy. AM I STUFFED WITH GOOSE DOWN!?

          • Brian Menius

            <3 David.

            No homo.

  • apgrovas

    And THAT's why I ditched Verizon. I so regret having switched to them from AT&T for the Galaxy Nexus. I ended up ditching them before my contract expired for this and many other reasons (incredibly, poor coverage in my area - Menlo Park, CA was amongst them as well). Verizon has the worst customer support I have ever seen. I honestly have no idea how they get good ratings anywhere, I am soooo happy I am back to AT&T now and my 1 3/4 years of Verizon hell are over.

    • spydie

      T-mobile has the best texting and voice quality, but in such limited areas and data is in even less areas. If i wasn't traveling all the time and lived in a city with good TMO coverage, I'd be on them in a heartbeat, but Verizon really does has the best coverage nationwide (I went on trip all over the US with TMO, ATT and VRZ phones this summer and discovered for myself that if there's cell coverage, it will always be VRZ, half the time ATT and almost never TMO unless you are in a large city). So, as an avid RVer, I have to take Verizon with me. When I get too old to travel, maybe I'll live where there is good TMO. I hate the "dropped-call kings", ATT

  • Kevin N

    VZW said Droid DNA will get an update in Sept. Oh wait... must mean next September. They suck!

  • Mystery Man

    I laughed pretty hard at "goose penis"

  • Nicholas Snowdeal

    Goose pecker, haha.

  • Leif Sikorski

    It's useless when people keep complaining but stay with Verizon instead of voting with their money and switching to T-Mobile or another carrier.

    • Jeremiah Rice

      I'll say this again: some of us live in isolated rural areas, where the choice is between Verizon and about half a bar of AT&T 3G. I think a goose penis might actually have better bandwidth than an AT&T signal in my house.

      • vzwlol

        ah, but you can always MOVE. novel idea i know...
        The truth is if you care about internet/infrastructure YOU must go to where it is, rather than expect it to come to you...

        • B_Papa_Pump

          Let me just grab my unlimited checkbook and go to jobby-job land

          • vzwlol

            I would imagine that places with infrastructure have more jobs than "isolated rural areas". Most "isolated rural areas" have no appreciable economy outside of possibly farming.

            Something tells me that an AP staff member isn't exactly farmer bob. A career in IT/computers/embedded systems/networking/electronics etc would probably workout better somewhere other than hicksville.

          • mjku

            It doesn't take living in "hicksville", and it doesn't take being some kind of farmer to not receive good service. Some larger metro areas just simply don't have viable competitors to Verizon. There's nothing wrong with wanting better infrastructure for a place you actually want to live instead of relocating to a shit-filled wonderhell just because they have T-Mo.

          • https://steamcommunity.com/id/m-p-3 m-p{3}

            Agreed. I'm in the middle of Ottawa downtown and I struggle to have a good signal with Rogers within my office. And Rogers is a nationwide network..

    • giant22000

      I happily hauled ass and left Verizon as a ten year customer! The way the treated loyal customers with grandfathered unlimited data plans was the straw that broke the camels back for me... Die Verizon!!!

    • ocdtrekkie

      T-Mobile's kinda a joke though. Also, many of their commercials constitute false advertising.

      • Cuvis

        Oh,boy. After your explanations of how people who expect a Nexus to be updated like a Nexus are "retarded fanboy trolls", I'd love to hear your explanation of how T-Mobile is engaging in false advertising.

        • ocdtrekkie
          • Cuvis

            Ah, so you're talking about that lame little teapot tempest over the fact that buying a phone on a payment plan means you have to actually complete your payments.

          • ocdtrekkie

            Actually, that's just the one that got actual complaints filed by legitimate organizations and governments. They've also lied about data throttling before, and they use the claim "unlimited" when artificially limiting data rates.

            The thing with the payment plan is effectively the same as a contract plan, they just split the payment into two items on the bill instead of one, and the contract only applies to the latter. It can be helpful to a small number of customers, but largely is a misleading marketing ploy.

          • Cuvis

            "They've also lied about data throttling before, and they use the claim "unlimited" when artificially limiting data rates."

            So I suppose you have citations on those, then?

            "The thing with the payment plan is effectively the same as a contract
            plan, they just split the payment into two items on the bill instead of
            one, and the contract only applies to the latter. It can be helpful to a
            small number of customers, but largely is a misleading marketing ploy."

            Typical. All you hear from people is how the price of a phone should be decoupled from the price of a plan, but then somebody does it and it's a "misleading marketing ploy".

          • ins0mn1a

            i think some people actually expected the no-contract approach meant they could walk into a t-mo store and walk out after paying $100 for a high-end smartphone (you know, the $650 one), with no contract or other obligations. go figure.

          • Brian Menius

            'cause 'Murica.

            F yeah.

            o.0

    • Andrew Dos Santos

      Once Verizon has more and more devices supporting AWS LTE like the Galaxy S4 will, it will be a simple SIM swap and APN change to take your Verizon phones to T-Mobile. You can do it now and still get 1900 HSPA+ where it's available.

    • Trina S

      There are actual metro areas that have poor service with other carriers and Verizon is the only game in town. The best way to influence change is with your dollars, but you can also overwhelm them with complaints from the area (meaning you and your signal-deprived neighbors), and en-masse start asking for better service from other carriers to get them to come to you.

  • blast0id

    Verizon is a failbus on a head-on collision course with failboat, and apparently they're both fully stocked with goose penis...

    • spydie

      shouldn't that be "penii"???

  • Andrew

    We should trend #vzwgoosepenis
    I'm actually getting tired of their shit. This note 3 is loaded with their unhidable craptastic software. Thinking about returning it and going to T-Mobile. They bring an interesting point that the FCC may be holding up the next due to the shutdown... However, we got leaked photos from them a while ago so who knows. Maybe I can get an iPhone 5s 64 GB and sell it when the nexus comes out.

    • spydie

      What do you find unhidable? So far everything has been hideable on mine.

      • Justin W

        I have the unlocked version, and I can't hide a lot of the Samsung apps. I can, however, put them all into one folder I rename so it's at the very end of the list so I don't have to deal with it :)

        • partzman2

          Root it and you can remove them totally. Head on over to XDA ans do a little searching

          • Justin W

            I'm aware of this, but I'd rather not root. No need to, especially if Themer's launcher is updated to allow hiding from their menu.

    • Wyatt Neal

      I'll RT if I see that :)

    • blast0id
  • http://sites.google.com/site/phoenix713/ Eddie

    This made me laugh (at the stupidity of the whole thing), but also cry, because I'm one of those Verizon Galaxy Nexus owners. I can't wait until my contract is up so I can switch to a prepaid plan with a REAL Nexus device.

  • BrianLipp

    i got pretty much the same responses when i was bugging them about the Moto X camera update. First they thought i was asking about an OS update, which it isnt, then asked me what problems i was having with the camera, and continued to act like the moto x update didnt exist even though they are the only carrier not to push it out yet.

  • ocdtrekkie

    Given the retarded Nexus fanboy troll they were responding to, really, their responses were on approximately even intellectual footing.

    • Cuvis

      I love how wanting one of the advertised features of your device makes you a retarded fanboy troll now.

      • ocdtrekkie

        Trolling is acting like there's something "wrong" because you don't have the latest beta build of Android on your two year old device.

        • Cuvis

          Let me explain this in small words: People buy a Nexus over other phones specifically to get the latest Android updates first. This is an advertised feature of the device. Having a Nexus that's not EOL and being two versions behind, therefore, does indeed mean there's something wrong. It'd be like having an HTC One without Beats Audio, or a Galaxy Note that doesn't work with the S-pen.

          • ocdtrekkie

            Verizon cares about the 99% of their customers being happy than the 1% who cry that they don't have beta releases. Google advertises a lot of stuff they can't deliver on, so you know, talk to Google about that.

          • Cuvis

            You keep saying "beta releases"... you realize that 4.3 had its final release in July, right? And it's been used on AT&T, T-Mobile, and various international networks since then without any issues whatsoever?

          • FunkyMonkey

            they don't anymore.

          • Cuvis
          • Mike Harris

            Verizon cares about the 99% of their customers...

            Sorry, troll, but that's where you lost us.

          • ocdtrekkie

            @disqus_4jNqu6iOiz:disqus The reality is, the entire tech industry makes up less than 1% of Verizon's customer base. Everyone you think agrees with you is in that 1%.

            From a business standpoint, tech fanboys are obsessive, unreasonable, demanding, and they expect ridiculousnesses like completely unlimited unthrottled high speed data for $30 a month. Tech fanboys are, realistically, terrible customers.

            Why would Verizon waste time and money to make them happy? They're a small portion of customers who are not going to be happy no matter what you give them.

            It's just logic, buddy.

          • Corey Hedberg

            Let's at least agree on one thing. You can say a lot of different things about a big corporation ... but don't you dare ever say they are worried about the 99%.

        • JPaws

          I can't tell if you are trolling very hard yourself...or just completely unaware of the idiotic words coming out of your mouth...or own an iPhone...

        • squiddy20

          "Beta build"? You do realize 4.3 is already on a few non-Nexus devices and will be coming to a few more in the coming weeks/months, right?

    • Wyatt Neal

      It's not just the Nexus "fanboys" that aren't getting update. It's basically every Verizon phone. Verizon has made it part of their business model to prevent new updates from going out so that you want to pay them more money for idiotic things like "Edge" for early upgrades.

      • ocdtrekkie

        Software updates are by and large completely unnecessary for Android devices. It's not part of their business model, it's part of their certification process.

        How do I know it's not part of their business model? Because 99% of their customers don't even know what version of Android they have or what version is the newest, so they aren't going to go buy a new phone because of it.

        • Wyatt Neal

          To declare them unnecessary is a just asking for pain. Updates are important to get new API features, new software features (that most of the manufactures kill anyway) and most importantly, new SECURITY fixes. Code is never perfect. Having a device that's just ripe for anyone to own and do whatever they please with just sounds like a sad time.

          A long time ago, back in the Froyo days, VZW actually used to be the carrier that pushed out updates most often (~60 days to get an update out), but it's pretty obvious they've changed up how they roll internally. I'd really like to see someone redo the research this guy did back in the day: http://blogs.computerworld.com/17650/android_upgrades_carriers

          • ocdtrekkie

            Failure of Google to provide security fixes to existing versions of Android is poor form. (Note that Windows Vista and 7 get regular security updates, and XP did until recently, I believe.)

            Regarding features, from a performance standpoint, I've found nearly every device sold performs best on the original build it was shipped with. Too many compromises are made to shoehorn updates onto devices just to quell the raging fanboys. You buy a device for the features it ships with. That's what you should get.

          • Stuntman06

            That is not a fair comparison. You need to compare a Win Vista or Win 7 device that you purchase from Verizon with a plan to an Android device you purchase from Verison with a plan.

          • squiddy20

            That comparison is completely faulty. Microsoft completely controls Windows. If they push an update to all Windows devices, it reaches all Windows devices without going through any middle man/third party. Google on the other hand, completely controls only Nexus devices, and only a few of those at that (Sprint/Verizon Gnex comes to mind, mostly due to the proprietary nature of CDMA from what I understand). All updates to all other handsets have to go through "certification" from manufacturers/carriers, which practically always involves the addition of manufacturer skins (Touchwiz, Sense, etc) and/or carrier bloat.

            "You buy a device for the features it ships with. That's what you should get." And what if one of the "features" (you could almost read it as a "promise") is relatively fast updates to the newest OS, and you don't get that?

          • Wyatt Neal

            Well, I'm glad we've ended any possibility of having a useful discussion; I was worried there for a moment.

    • Brian Menius

      So which one are you, chuckleface- ^NB, ^AH, or ^TH?

      • ocdtrekkie

        It's the mark of a fanboy that they can't comprehend anyone would disagree with them except a paid shill. I don't work for any mobile carrier.

        • Brian Menius

          What you interpret as trolling, most of us are interpreting as a near-powerless customer's attempt to right a wrong. You're encountering so much flack because you refuse to be anything but ornery and obtuse.

          Verizon's handling of the Galaxy Nexus has been wrong, wrong, wrong. I lived with it for about a year, and then when they subsequently mishandled the Note II launch, I chucked deuces and rolled out.

          ... to TMo, of course. It hit my pocketbook, but it was a statement worth making. I broke three contracts at a cost of $780. TMo kicked in modest assistance, and I broke even before my VZW contract would have ended naturally on the last line.

          I count myself fortunate each day to live in an area with decent TMo service and to not have to routinely depend on getting service in West Bumblefark. I also realize that some people don't have that option, and that their best course of action may be to take their frustration out on the company with which they're stuck.

          Lighten up a bit, eh? Be OCD about something that matters.

        • Brian Menius

          What you interpret as trolling, most of us are interpreting as a near-powerless customer's attempt to right a wrong. You're encountering so much flack because you refuse to be anything but ornery and obtuse.

          Verizon's handling of the Galaxy Nexus has been wrong, wrong, wrong. I lived with it for about a year, and then when they subsequently mishandled the Note II launch, I chucked deuces and rolled out.

          ... to TMo, of course. It hit my pocketbook, but it was a statement worth making. I broke three contracts at a cost of $780. TMo kicked in modest assistance, and I broke even before my VZW contract would have ended naturally on the last line.

          I count myself fortunate each day to live in an area with decent TMo service and to not have to routinely depend on getting service in West Bumblefark. I also realize that some people don't have that option, and that their best course of action may be to take their frustration out on the company with which they're stuck.

          Lighten up a bit, eh? Be OCD about something that matters.

          ... and apologies for calling you a chuckleface. I try to resist, but it's tough sometimes.

          • ocdtrekkie

            @brianmenius:disqus The problem is that your view that it was handled "wrong" is from a very egotistical "mememe" point of view. The people in this thread don't realize that what they consider a "wrong", most consumers prefer, and consider good service.

            Most customers would prefer not to receive an update immediately, which may have bugs, flaws, or performance issues that causes the phone they bought to work worse than it used to.

          • Brian Menius

            I'm as far from "me me me" as you're ever going to meet. I'm also not an apologist for corporate bullshit and the general customer service malfeasance which Verizon has, for so long, embraced.

            Also, in order for me to even consider your argument in favor of Verizon's responses to this chain of "tweets," you're going to need to provide credible evidence that the customer base you hold in such high disdain is "1% of Verizon's subscribers."

            Go ahead, I'll wait.

  • GazaIan

    This is hilarious, but it bothers me. I used Twitter to contact VZW support and for the first time I actually had a good experience with Verizon. Scheduled an appointment for a FiOS repair and other stuff after Hurricane Sandy, right through Twitter. And it went perfect.

    Probably the only time in history where they haven't totally been fuckers.

  • squiddy20

    1. "How will Verizon Support respond to such a fowl insult?" I see what you did there...
    2. While I agree the Galaxy Nexus (on any carrier) should get the latest updates quickly, I'd say he doesn't "need" the update, he "wants" it. It's not like he's going to die in the next 24 hours if he doesn't get a specific date that the update will roll out. Further, if he truly does "need" it, there's quite a few 4.3 based ROMs already available, and it's really not that hard to unlock the bootloader, install a custom recovery, and flash one of the aforementioned ROMs, especially on a Nexus.
    3. In my opinion, there's not much in 4.3 to get so riled up about that's not in 4.2, besides maybe some of the Bluetooth stuff and App Ops (or is that for 4.4?).

    • http://www.androidpolice.com/ Artem Russakovskii

      Oh god, I just noticed #1. Bravo, @rdr0b11:disqus.

  • SickoPsycho

    Like a proctologist, we are here to give it to you up the ass.

  • RJM7787

    "Do geese have penises? Yes, actually."

    I was pretty nervous before clicking that.

    • andy_o

      It you weren't after, look up duck penises.

  • Lars Jeppesen

    I just had to leave a comment commending you, David. Hillarious article..

  • skeeterfood

    My wife had to ask what was so funny when I broke out laughing next to her on the couch last night. Thanks for sharing!

  • John O’Connor

    queue the pillow biter?

  • http://twitter.com/Rodrigost23 Rodrigo Tavares

    Those tags...

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