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Aug
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Last Updated: November 23rd, 2013

Here it is, the second installment of Android Police Files. We're still getting a steady stream of email, and while we can't post them all, we've hand-picked eight more to share with our darling readers. As you're about to see, many people can't seem to grasp what it is we do. We're not crime fighters, nor are we IT ninjas. We blog. Still, that doesn't mean we don't try our best to help out. We think our advice is useful, but we'll let you be the judge.

APFiles

Letter #1

Subject: Privacy policy

Text:

I want to report about my phone..i wanna show some apps appear in my phone and send all my info and control all my phone..if you guys can't do or check, i will call 911 or send my phone to police station..thanks a lots

We can't do or check, so feel free to go to the police. Just make sure to delete anything incriminating before handing over the phone. It's bad enough being the person who called 911 because you didn't know how to use your phone. It's another thing to attract attention for that selfie you took of you and your drunk friends at a frat party you were too young to attend.

Letter #2

Subject:

Text:

Look up http://www.apache.org/licenses/LICENSE-2.0 and Zip4j(http://WWW.lingala.net/zip4j/) and The Android Open Source Project *Copyright (c) 2008-2012 and /data/data/com.android.chrome/app.chrome/default. I have a unauthorized Google Chromium Webmaster attached to my Android RAZR M phone and I tired of fighting them. HELP! And please don't be another hacker site. My phone leads me to them all the time. My name is XXXXXXXXXX XXX-XXX-XXX

Sure, we're happy to help. Just go to http://www.android.com/ and http://www.police.com/, then follow that up with a quick trip to https://www.google.com/maps/. Hopefully these links will be as useful for you as yours were for us.

Letter #3

Actual press release

Text:

Embargoed Press Release - Thursday 2:00 PM

Hi Android Police Team,

Hope you’ve been enjoying your week!

I’m excited to provide you with some advanced notice on a press release we’re sending out to the masses tomorrow at 2:00 PM EDT.

Toddy Gear, the company known for their creative cleaning accessories for your favorite tech items, officially has its Screensters ready for purchase.

Now shipping, these character-inspired microfiber, antimicrobial cleaning dolls can be purchased for $9.99.

Attached is the full press release and a couple of high res images for your convenience.

Let me know if you need anything further.

Okay, this one's legit. We simply forgot to share this awesome product line with our readers sooner. In a last ditch effort to redeem ourselves, we present to you the Screensters.

Screensters 

Letter #4

Subject: Information about siezing the pirating sites

Text:

I wanted to suggest u sir that those sites who give copyrighted material But do not include the Trojan and viruses should not be seized, law must be be make to size over the servers of those sites. Only who provide a copyright of material to people containing the virus, Trojan worms, malware etc, please review our it and do the need full.

No, we will not review your it, and you won't get any full from us. Just who do you think we are?

Letter #5

Subject: request for latest newses

Text:

i like qik.com as it shows live vedios

Dude! We also love the latest newses, and we can't get enough of live vedios. But here's the thing. We already covered Qik. Actually, we did it for years.

Letter #6

Subject: Help

Text:

Dear Policing Rep,

Help, help, please, I've gone to local authorities with a true problem, someone has more control of my phone than I do. I know the files are there, however the goofy phone won't let me delete them.

This is truly serious, under my name they searched all kinds of sexual acts, but the worst was how to kill someone with a punch to the jugular vein.

I'm scared and pissed off at the same time, Verizon won't do shit and I'm on my fourth phone.

I beg of you, please help me find who this is and bring them to justice.

God Bless,
XXXXXXXXX

So you - excuse me, "someone else" - has searched for some explicit content, and you want the police, your carrier, and now us to believe that those files on your phone are not yours. Right. A factory reset should take care of the problem, but if "someone" won't let you do that, we suggest seeking legal counsel instead.

Letter #7

Subject: help my phone is being cloned

From: XXX YYY (where XXX is the first name, and also the first word of the message)

Text:

XXX i need some advice fast,my phone is being cloined by some sick f!@#$%^&*()(*&^%$ it tells me every time i make a call it says call diverted,this has been happening for awhile,at first i thought it was my boyfriend being insecure,however i've been through several phones(which believe me is getting spendy)i really cant get into details about the who or why however that is being investigated, any apps or settings that could block my phone from being clonned

Wait, your phone is being cloned? If the authorities find out who has managed to pull off this black magic, let us know. If there's one thing better than one HTC One, it's two HTC Ones. Buying phones for the entire team is about to get a whole lot cheaper.

Letter #8

Subject: You must write a review about this game!

Text:

This is an amazing game! I've enjoyed the game play. I spent a very good time experience. I made a pig of all Mahjong game, and I have to confess I will place this one in my favourites (bolding added).

Firstly it makes me feel relax after work or a hard day! It’s really different and more original than most Majhong games; The graphics are beautiful and you move through an original universe!

Secondly, the WALL games is really hard enough to have fun, I burnt my brain out on several levels But fortunately, you have helps so everybody can come through!

Thirdly, the snake mode is revolutionary, it is the favourite of my family, for the apprenticeship and for the challenge also (depending the difficulty played). It trains your dexterity and asks you a big visual memory!

Finally, the game is free and has 450 levels; It will make you happy in every way.

We LOVE pig Mahjong games. Seriously. Get us a copy. Cameron just received the drugs he was mailed last week, and we think he's in the perfect frame of mind for a review.

That's All Folks!

If you missed the first installment, feel free to go back and take a look. Afterwards, keep your eyes peeled for part three. It's coming. We just love sharing your priceless messages, but don't worry, we'll never publish any identifying information.

Also, we still encourage you to send us emails, even if some of them aren't quite fully baked. As always, you can reach us at oh.no.its.the@androidpolice.com.

Bertel King, Jr.
Born and raised in the rural South, Bertel knows what it's like to live without 4G LTE - or 3G, for that matter. The only things he likes sweeter than his tea are his gadgets, and while few objects burn more than a metal phone on a summer day, he prefers them that way anyway.

  • http://www.androidpolice.com/ Artem Russakovskii

    To clarify: all of these were received before the AP Files series was started.

    People were also afraid that we'd get a lot of fakes after that, trying to be fake on purpose in order to end up in these files. That didn't happen. There were a few attempts, but they were way too obvious and lame.

    • jonathan3579

      What has the world come to?

      • ProductFRED

        It's just iOS converts.

        • jonathan3579

          That explains the absent minds.

    • Barton82

      That's one of the reasons I like this place so much - You have fairly mature commentators here.

      • http://www.androidpolice.com/ Artem Russakovskii

        We banned all the lame ones.

        • Drome

          which is why i stopped going to droid life.

    • Matthew Fry

      So are these sent to your legitimate email addresses or are they just sent to random addresses on the androidpolice domain (e.g. police@androidpolice.com)?

      • http://www.androidpolice.com/ Artem Russakovskii

        Legitimate.

    • http://www.androidpolice.com/ Artem Russakovskii

      Just got another one. Sigh...

      "very good vibrate on android phone for feedback need best for anal stimulation to embarras to buy vibrator tape spoon to phone and put spoon in anus make very good wonder what phone strongest vibrate thnk u androidpolice good blog many read"

      The email is very obviously connected to some dude with a G+ account, one who clearly has command of the English language. Quality trolling is hard work. Come on, at least put some effort into it.

  • Kenny O

    These are awesome.

    • Paul_Werner

      This one was even better than the first round. I really had to keep myself from laughing out loud at my desk. Cube roommates would've been like WTH?

  • Wodge

    There is a lot of weird people on the internet.

    • Wyatt Neal

      You've got an extra word there.

      "There is a lot of weird on the internet."

      • Ruben Martinez Jr.

        You've got three.

        "There is a lot of weird."

      • Adrian van Nunen

        "Weird internet."

        • VenumX

          "Weird"

  • CoreRooted

    Ok. So, I need to buy some Screensters to use with my cloned phones (who the hell would stop at just one clone???!!!). Noted.

    LMAO

  • ScottColbert

    This is now my favorite column. I laughed loud enough to scare my cat. I lost it at #4.

    • PhoenixPath

      #7 was my fave by far.

      How many ways can one person mis-spell "cloned" in the same email??

  • Sergii Pylypenko

    Hey, I still remember how Artem disclosed to public some security holes in early versions of Android OS, so they got patched quickly after that.
    I thought AP was initially created to push lazy phone manufacturers to fix serious bugs in their firmwares, because public opinion matters for them.
    Then Android got less and less security issues, and AP became the blog about everything Android.

    • Simon Belmont

      Yeah and the whole HTC Loggers thing. Plus the CarrierIQ thing.

      They were both covered really well, here. Top-notch reporting.

  • Scott Hendry

    We are doomed as a society... That's all I can think when I read stuff like this.

    • David Becker

      Your data set for determining the failure of the human race is very small. Try a larger data sample.

  • mechapathy

    Is it weird that I actually kinda want a screenster?

    • Adithya Pc

      Yes

      • mechapathy

        Yeah, that's what I figured.

        • jesuguru

          I thought they were IOS only, not sure they'd work on android screens.

          • Patrik Carlsson

            I hear there are screenster converter cables for both android and blackberry to take care of that. Hell, you can clean windows with them. Also 9 dollars of course.

  • http://www.gundamaustralia.com/ cameron charles

    lol this is why the human race cant have nice things

    i will say though that to me, having people think your stuff is so good, so on target that they think your actually part of the thing your blogging about, thats googles android team here for the letter writers above. is a pretty high level of complement, those people are still stupid but in a way that should make you feel fuzzy and warm :P

  • http://www.bordersweather.co.uk/ Andy J

    wrt letter #8 "I burnt my brain out on several levels" having read the letter - I'm of the firm opinion that just taking the phone out of standby is enough to burn out all 5 of the brain cells the author possesses.

  • http://www.bordersweather.co.uk/ Andy J

    I also have to say the call divert letter is both incredibly funny but also incredibly depressing (Google isn't really that hard to use)

  • Scott

    This stuff cracks me up. I love this website.

  • Cole Mickens

    These are amazing. I'm kicking myself for not having read episode #1 sooner. Keep this up, so excellent!

  • Jeremy Martin

    You need to "do the need full" and keep these types of posts coming! I laughed my arse off at the cloning phones email!

    • daburghit

      I see "do the need full" a lot from Indian contractors where I work. Something about that phrase seems to resonate.

    • PhoenixPath

      I'm confused...

      Did you mean cloining or clonning?

      • Jeremy Martin

        Not sure what you are meaning as neither of what you typed are words.

        • PhoenixPath

          Step 1: Re-read the original cloning email.
          Step 2: Get the joke.

          Optional: Smile and have a great day!

          • Jeremy Martin

            ah ok...well a good comic is always able to deliver the punch line so everyone gets it.....

          • PhoenixPath

            Ooh. Ouch. That hurt, man.

            Well, a normal person might actually be able to remember an email they laughed their arse off at 5 minutes ago...

            Turnabout is still fair play, right?

          • Jeremy Martin

            Here you go man...its a mirror to go argue with.

          • PhoenixPath

            Wait...were we arguing about something??

            The Internet:

            It's all fun and games until someone starts taking it seriously...

  • PhineasJW

    Keep the name, but I would suggest it's time to redesign the webpage.

    A few ideas:

    - The comments section should be directly below the article, for ease of navigation, not separated by 800px of other article ads.

    - A white background would open up the design.

    - Employ a magazine UI / Swiss grid system for browsing and arranging content.

    The Verge is a good reference. But there are others.

    • http://ashish.bogawat.com Ashish Bogawat

      And how would all of that help in this particular context? (Sorry, I'm not being sarcastic. Genuinely curious)

      • PhineasJW

        Just that this is a place for feedback, and the name isn't the problem..

    • guidomus_maximus

      Maybe pitcher of nekid women.
      That's for you PP

  • Henry Green

    Never change your name for the sake of the funnies!!!

  • CeluGeek

    To be honest, when I first found out about this site, I thought it was called "Android Police" because of covering security practices and issues in Android. I guess that's one of the things you guys cover so I wasn't totally wrong.

  • gardobus

    #6 probably just needs to clear his search history, it is just syncing it to all his devices lol

    or he could just kill his phone with a punch to the jugular vein.

  • Nighthound

    #2 - "I have a unauthorized Google Chromium Webmaster attached to my Android RAZR M phone and I tired of fighting them" gives me this mental image of a hapless web developer stuck to the guy's phone and having to fight every day with the owner.