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Last Updated: November 23rd, 2013

We get a lot of mail over the course of each day, but some inquiries and tips are simply better than others. Below is a batch of what we consider the cream of the crop. If there's anything to take away from these letters, it's that people assume we have more power than we do. We can't remote login to your Android devices, even if you ask nicely, and if we knew the reasons behind every delayed online purchase, we'd be much happier people. Still, we're flattered you reached out to us. Some of your requests are so priceless that we just have to share them with the world, but don't worry, we'll never publish any identifying information.

APFiles

Letter #1

Subject: Source code of Rope Cut game

Text:

Hi artem,

I'm a big fan of your work and I wonder if you can give me the source code of the "Rope Cut" game to do some changes. My daugther loves the game and I thinking to change some images (put her face, for instance)

Thanks in advance,

XXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXX (from Portugal)

You've come to the right place, just a tad too late. See, we had the source code for said Rope Cut game, but we were too generous with who we shared it with. Someone snatched it up, branded it as Cut the Rope, and sued us for infringing on their copyright. We settled out of court and would prefer to leave the entire incident behind us.

Tell your daughter that we love the game, too. Well, except Jeremiah. He's infuriated that it's so awkward to play using the SHIELD.

Letter #2

Subject: Android Tablet

Text:

Looking for assistance. I purchased an Android tablet online. Which I have received, it was however apparently from a website that purchased the tablets from China. The China based android cannot be used here in the US since it appears to be supported by a China network and conflicts with any US programs etc. Any clue how to turn my Chinese tablet paperweight into an actual tablet that I can use here in the US.

Unhappy tablet owner.

Thanks and Merry Christmas.

We're currently searching for a tablet that wasn't made in China. We'll have to get back to you. In the meantime, go to Amazon and look for deals on tablets that you could otherwise find at Best Buy or Staples. Off-brand devices are a dime a dozen, and even the English ones are hardly worth more than paperweights.

Letter #3

Subject: Android Phone as Wrist Watch

Text:

Wanted to share an app I just finished. It's free and open source. http://blog.theultimatelabs.com/2012/10/android-phone-wrist-watch.html

Watch

While we might be more interested if we could find iPod bands capable of holding our 5-inch phones, we're pretty sure Leela already has a patent on this idea.

Leela

And we'll gladly let her have it.

Letter #4

Subject: Job

Text:

I'm a diehard fan of your website and android in general. I was wondering if I could get a job working with you guys on developing and writing stories. I'm very committed and love this career. I'm a sophomore in high school and my mom wants me to get a job at a local grocery store I told her that I wanna do something that I'm passionate about. This job would mean everything for me and would jump start my career in silicon valley.
Thank you,
XXXXXXXXX

Artem politely and very nicely declined on the same day. Then, also the same day, got this response:

Sorry that I sent this job offer so long ago I have a job at the Verge now. And I created the website you guys are awful not looking for people to get your site off the ground.

Whatever you say, bro.

I'm just telling you that you should check out the Verge for my name and also I wanted to help your website stay more updated than one post every four hours. C'mon man be more open minded with your decisions.

We've checked The Verge's roster earlier, and he was nowhere near it. In fact, there is still no connection to him and The Verge anywhere on the web, more than a year later.

Letter #5

Subject: advertising

From: A developer of a drug-themed app

Text:
What if we ran a contest in time for 4-20 and possibly gave away a few bongs,pipes,vaporizers,herb grinders...etc
I can understand if you'd be uncomfortable doing that though.

Uncomfortable, yes. We must first test it before we risk exposing it to our readers. We would like several evaluation units, all sent to Cameron's address.

Letter #6

Subject: tablet frozen

Text:

please open tablet now.

 

Then, three minutes later.


start up the tablet now.!

Maybe you should plug the thing in before pressing the power button. After enough hours, these things tend to not come on anymore.

Letter #7

Subject: order

Text:

About two weeks ago I placed an order for three Angry Birds plush toys (red, blue and yellow). I did get a confirmation e-mail, but it was lost and I can not track this package. Please let me know if this order has shipped and if I can get confirmation of the order again.

Yes.

Letter #8

Subject: Hackers

Text:

andriod we have hacker on premises get thedm there stealing from us

Crap, they're on to us! Let's end this here.

That's All Folks!

We have an inbox, and despite what you've just seen, we still encourage you to fill it. As always, you can reach us at oh.no.its.the@androidpolice.com.

This is just the first installment, as there are far too many charming emails to contain within one post. Part two is coming soon.

Bertel King, Jr.
Born and raised in the rural South, Bertel knows what it's like to live without 4G LTE - or 3G, for that matter. He now lives in the City of Bridges, adjusting to the presence of actual snow. His phone of choice is the HTC One.

  • http://www.androidpolice.com/ David Ruddock

    excuse me good sir but how do I get the free appz?

  • http://planetmew.com/blog/ Christopher Glass

    I don't believe the first letter, because anyone capable of actually doing that CAN do it already without the src. Anyone that could 'build the source' can decrypt an APK, change assets, sign it themselves and install it. I've done that for a few "Photo booth sticker" apps.

    • http://www.androidpolice.com/ David Ruddock

      Everything you see here is real. Mad real. And probably a victim, at some point, of Google Translate.

      • http://planetmew.com/blog/ Christopher Glass

        Oh, I mean 'don't believe' in the sense that he was lying to you, not that you were making these up.

  • hyperbolic

    wow...just wow...

  • KidCarter93

    I actually feel like my IQ has dropped loads simply by reading some of those...

    • mechapathy

      I don't know if "dropped loads" is exactly the phrase you're looking for.

      • KidCarter93

        I guess the irony in my post wasn't clear enough then.

        • mechapathy

          Not sure if we're on the same page. Google "droppin' loads." Likely NSFW.

  • Michael Pahl

    Reminds me of the "retractable baton" emails from the pirate bay.... those are classics.

    • http://platypus.blox.pl/ najodleglejszy

      oh yeah :D

  • David Margolin

    stick to grocery stores kid

    • http://www.androidpolice.com/ Cameron Summerson

      But he's not passionate about the grocery store.

  • http://www.thepixelpuse.com/ Aj Meadows

    These are fantastic. I feel sorry for your poor inbox, though.

  • http://www.androidpolice.com/ David Ruddock

    My favorite is Verge guy. I bet his dad has a Ferrari. And is a lawyer. And he's going to sue us for slandering him.

    • Steve Giralt

      Bro, do you even Android?

      • http://GPlus.to/Abhisshack Abhisshack

        but you are not even HOLO ! #HOLOYOLO

    • Phil Oakley

      Thing is, if he actually worked for The Verge (as I do, as an intern), he'd know that it's "The Verge", not "the Verge".

      • andy_o

        Because that's what gave it away.

      • http://www.Nave360.com Sebastian Gorgon

        You just had to bring that up that you are an intern at tHe vErGe, good on you.

  • mlj11

    LOL

    Actually I'd really like to see your actual replies... especially those that got you more follow-up emails after that.

    • http://www.androidpolice.com/ Artem Russakovskii

      Here's the majority of them:

      "LOLWUT?"

      • mlj11

        Lmao

        Can't argue with that.

  • PamelaLibrarian

    I sure hope you keep these coming. I haven't laughed this hard in days!! The AP responses are gold, pure GOLD! :)

  • Joe Pas

    I'm glad you didn't hire the kid. Anyone who would sell their soul to the iShills at The Verge shouldn't be allowed here. #HOLOYOLO

    • Walkop

      Hey, didn't you see the incredible score they gave the new Nexus 7? 9/10. One of the highest Verge scores ever awarded.

      Not that AP doesn't blow them out of the water :D but their reviews are thorough and really nice-looking with interesting scales at the end.

    • http://bytemypanda.mp/ SleepingPanda

      Did you see the review of the Moto X by 'Joshua Topolsky'? It's literally rehashed words spoken in their video review by David Pierce from the launch. It's like they gave up on being passionate technology writers and just sold out. I'm sticking to AP for everything android from now on.

      • Roh_Mish

        David complains about android missing this and that in every review without knowing that that thing actually is available in android.

  • MasterMuffin

    Prepare for fake stupid e-mails from people wanting to get to the interwebz

    • Simon Belmont

      Which will probably be even more humorous. So win-win?

      Either way, I'm glad they showed these emails. I had a good laugh.

      • MasterMuffin

        Get the comedian out! :D

    • Cole Mickens

      If only geocities were around, they'd find out just how easy it is! Oh wait, neocities...

  • David Margolin

    person in letter 3 has the ultimate ingress setup

    • Nighthound

      except ingress is not in landscape

  • Mr E

    That android watch is awesome, btw. Off to ebay to find an arm/wrist strap for my phone....

  • http://www.androidpolice.com/ Artem Russakovskii

    Another lolwut that we cut from the post was this Reddit account that popped up out of the blue and is still active: http://www.reddit.com/user/AndroidPolice. It doesn't belong to any of us, and to this day we still don't know who is behind it.

    • CoreRooted

      Are you sure? The third post down IS slamming the Verge. Artem, fess up... it's you and that kid you didn't hire, right? ;-) LOL

  • Doan

    You realize the parody emails you're going to get spammed with after posting this article, yea?

    • http://www.androidpolice.com/ Artem Russakovskii

      Parody email count so far: 1. And it sucked.

  • Cory_S

    start up the tablet now.!

    • Kevin

      I'm sorry, Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that.

      • Esteban

        I'm sure tHE vERGE guy above knows this one, you know, he's an intern...

  • Christopher Robert

    Who's Cameron...? He seems like a cool dude to kick it with...

    • http://www.androidpolice.com/ Cameron Summerson

      Who's Cameron? That hurts my heart.

      • BangIShotYou

        It's okay Cameron. I know who you are. I don't partake often, but I'd partake with you. Especially after "that hurts my heart". Lol. Priceless.

      • Christopher Robert

        Aww, sorry dude not trying to hurt your heart. I was just trying to make a joke about trying out the the "merchandise", before you do a giveaway.

  • Dave Waites

    Made my day. Thank you

  • Dave Waites

    Made my day!

  • tomn1ce

    Nice way to enjoy my ride back home...they had me cracking up....lmao

  • SxperiaS

    The moment you see the name of your country and you think:

    Oh God Why
    Very funny article AP

  • BBOSGhostryder

    You guys should hire me since I was the designer of the colassus computer during WWII. The British were needing to decipher German coding. Because of designing the first computer in 1943, I helped change the world.
    I can help your site change the world again. And I don't charge to much either.
    Just saying .m

  • Matthew Fry

    AP,
    I would like to make a police report. My android has been looking at way too much porn. Please send it a virus.

    • Morrissex

      Has it been watching too much porn? Have you considered changing to that over-ripe fruity OS to avoid it?

  • Simon Belmont

    LMAO. These were great and I look forward to future posts with more funny emails.

    This is yet another reason I love AP. You guys know your stuff up and down, but you also have a great sense of humor. Keep up the great work. Cheers.

  • xHabeasCorpusx

    Please do this regularly. As a person that has worked in the customer service field, and technology this CRACKS ME UP.

    When I worked at Sears I had a father come in mad because his daughter couldn't beat the princess peach game. It was Sears fault for designing the game. When he asked how to do something, I told him I didn't know since I never played it. He became furious and said that I wasn't trained professionally. Tried to file a complaint on me.

    When I worked at Staples there was a guy who came in mad because he bought a prepaid smart phone. He was mad at Staples for taking his money from the Virgin account and charging him for the use fees. He demanded for us to pay him back and showed the Virgin bill, I told him that he would have to call Virgin since we don't make, or service the phones and that we can't touch his cellphone bill. "He kept screaming YEAH BUT YOU SELL IT" My friend from electronics came by to pick up a return and the man looked at him and said THAT'S THE JAP BOY WHO SOLD THIS POS TO ME. I told him to leave the store and not to and not to ever comeback. I was written up the next day for kicking him out.

  • Tim Norris

    Can we add a Humor Tag to this article?

    • http://www.androidpolice.com/ Artem Russakovskii

      Your wish is my command.

  • http://about.me/z.jovanov Zlate Jovanov

    Epic!

  • CoreRooted

    LMFAO! Ok, That was awesome! #8 should have included a complimentary English lesson as well.

  • Metroview

    These are awesome! For some reason #6 reminds me of A Space Odyssey with the way he was demanding his tablet to open and start. I can't wait to see more.

  • cy_n_ic

    This is a great article and i hope they continue

    • http://www.androidpolice.com/ Artem Russakovskii

      Oh, they will.

  • Adrian Ponaya

    How about a tablet strap? That would be epic! Anyone?....

  • http://brgulker.wordpress.com/ brgulker

    Love this.

  • Freak4Dell

    Why is this under Contests/Giveaways?

    • http://www.androidpolice.com/ Artem Russakovskii

      Duh. Free jokes, brah.

      Seriously though, no idea. Fixed.

      • Justin Swanson

        Needs more freemium jokes IMO.

  • Vardan Nazaretyan

    The first one and the one with The Verge guy are the best.

  • http://ashutoshmishra.org/ Ashutosh Mishra

    When we gonna see a HOLOYOLO redesign of the Android Police?

  • bukowski

    Here's the best story I've got to share:

    Several years ago I worked tech support for Dish Network. Had a guy call in, and he must've been from the deep south because he had a very pronounced southern drawl. Anyway, he calls up and says, "I can't hear nuthin' on mah tv." I start going through all the standard stuff. He keeps getting more and more frustrated throughout the call. About 20 minutes in, he tells me, "Listen son, I can't hear nuthin' and this damn tv is muddy!" So I'm asking him if the tv got physically damaged or something? Did he have it out tailgating somewhere? How did it get mud on it? He keeps on getting more and more upset. Finally, another 10 minutes in (we've now been on the phone for roughly 30 minutes), he screams, "CAN'T YOU JUST FIX THIS DAMN THING? IT'S ****IN' MUDDY! M-U-T-E! MUDDY!" So I say, "Sir, do you see a muddy button on your remote control? Please press it."

    Bazinga! :)

  • Joe

    Where's my damn angry birds toys?!?!?

    • http://bertelking.com/ Bertel King, Jr.

      Oops, busted.

  • ginobili

    Hahahahaha made my morning.

    The vergu guy was obvious trolling, but still funny.

  • jsngrvn

    All your androids are belong to us

  • Andrew

    I'm willing to help beta-test the bong... jk

  • Garrett Gregor-Splaver

    #8...