02
Jul
2013-07-02_16h16_46

Google Glass hasn't even fully arrived on the consumer market, but wearable computing competition is already heating up as Samsung announced its Glass competitor: the Samsung Apex. The head-mounted display will serve up both television and internet access while simultaneously sucking your dick.

It's unclear yet whether this move will actually win over users. While Glass does not have the ability to pleasure your genitals itself, Hangouts has been positioned as a way for couples to view live, multi-user video chats of themselves having sex while taking part in the act. For the exhibitionists, Hangouts on Air would provide a whole new form of performance thrill seeking, while the more intimate couples would simply be brought closer together by being able to look into their own eyes as they look into each others' eyes looking into their own eyes. It's a powerful feature, but as per usual Samsung's strategy seems to be throwing ideas at the wall and seeing what sticks.

Regardless of which approach resonates more with consumers and their respective genitals, Samsung will probably end up selling a large number of these units upon release.

Hahaha. "Units."

Source: The Onion

Eric Ravenscraft
Eric is a snarky technophile with a taste for the unusual. When he's not obsessing about Android, you can usually find him obsessing about movies, psychology, or the perfect energy drink. Eric weaves his own special blend of snark, satire, and comedy into all his articles.

  • spamlucal

    auto playing ad on the front page? not cool, not cool...

    • http://www.androidpolice.com/author/eric-ravenscraft/ Eric Ravenscraft

      Already removed it from the front page (you read this within the first two minutes it was live...so good job). Trying to disable auto play entirely now.

      • spamlucal

        thanks, appreciated :)

        • http://www.androidpolice.com/author/eric-ravenscraft/ Eric Ravenscraft

          Aaaand found a replacement embed. Thanks for your patience. We mistakenly believed that the Onion wouldn't cock up the embed. Won't make that error twice. :P

          • spamlucal

            by the way, I love the thumbnail choice for this article

          • http://www.androidpolice.com/author/eric-ravenscraft/ Eric Ravenscraft

            Agreed. I can't look at it without laughing.

    • http://www.androidpolice.com/ Artem Russakovskii

      This is ridiculous. TheOnion embeds don't support turning off autoplay. We switched to YouTube instead.

      Never thought I'd get mad at TheOnion, but this is just bullshit.

    • http://mrprayer.net/ Anatoly Nechaev

      Even less cool to have it in RSS feed, so it would play in my web reader (without even being shown at the time).
      And setting all time low: showing it in html5 video mode, so that Opera's "click to play" feature would not kick in.

      Naughty stuff...

      • http://www.androidpolice.com/ Artem Russakovskii

        TheOnion's evil plan.

        • http://mrprayer.net/ Anatoly Nechaev

          I imagine those "dick-sucking" jokes would score some point on my office' social score. ;)

  • cramleir

    The youtube embed is kinda off-topic...

  • Danny Holyoake

    I hate posts like this. :(

    • http://www.androidpolice.com/ Artem Russakovskii

      I, on the other hand, love them.

      • Havoc70

        But now you dont have to choose which hand. =)

    • Krzysztof Jozwik

      So don't click on them? I know it's very hard, but just don't click.

      • Fernando Rodríguez Herrera

        He (like me) doesn't like such posts on Android Police *full stop*. There's no need to click on them, it's sufficient enough to see them spamming the home page.

        • Matthew Gardner

          Just as well you aren't AP editorial staff then.

        • Krzysztof Jozwik

          And then read them and go to the comments to complain about what you just saw?

  • http://www.facebook.com/VGLosers Doug Turner

    This is the type of post that makes me feel like you don't value our time.

    • http://www.androidpolice.com/ David Ruddock

      Then why did you click it? It is labeled NSFW. How serious did you think it really was? Did you actually believe Samsung was unveiling a fellatio machine? I'm guessing not.

      • Thatguyfromvienna

        It's not necessarily about the NSFW part.
        It's rather that this whole thing is pretty lame.

  • https://twitter.com/#!/doomstang Doomstang

    Haha "yes ladies, theres a version that eats you out"
    I'm a little alarmed by the gen 2 model though....

    • Havoc70

      Ahh great more android fragmentation

      Male version = touchjiz?
      female version = touchme?

  • Captain Canada

    Eric is a joker.

    • http://www.androidpolice.com/author/eric-ravenscraft/ Eric Ravenscraft

      He's a smoker.

      • Philip Owen

        He's a midnight toker?

        • Nathaniel Webb

          He gets his lovin' on the run.

          **bonus because relevant to story**

  • BoB1673

    lol that was EPIC !!

  • http://www.androidpolice.com/ Artem Russakovskii

    Waiting for version 2 here.

    • http://www.androidpolice.com/ David Ruddock

      Well, that explains a lot.

  • Samvith V Rao

    That was hilarious!

  • http://www.keithbluhm.com/ Keith

    The Onion used to be clever.

    • http://www.androidpolice.com/ David Ruddock

      Man, that joke used to be relevant!

      • http://www.keithbluhm.com/ Keith

        Who's joking? Not me, I genuinely do not find them anywhere near as funny or clever as I used to. I would re-read articles and just laugh and laugh. Haven't done that in a while.

  • jerdog76

    "upon release" - which release would this be? :P

  • mechapathy

    Gotta love The Onion.

  • Clancy Anderson

    what version of Android does it run?

    • http://www.androidpolice.com/ David Ruddock

      Jelly Bean with SuckWiz 1.0.

      • Havoc70

        I was thinking the new 4.3.1 Jelly on your Bean

        • http://www.androidpolice.com/ David Ruddock

          This guy.

      • Perv Bear

        2.0 is better. And I'll hold out for snapper bean.

      • Havoc70

        Or maybe with TouchJiz?

  • Sibelius

    is it april the 1st again?

    • http://www.androidpolice.com/ Artem Russakovskii

      As they say, it's April 1st somewhere.

      • http://www.androidpolice.com/ David Ruddock

        Somewhere, someone forgot to flip the wall calendar.

  • http://www.androidpolice.com/ Artem Russakovskii

    New Facebook feature announced: http://i.imgur.com/DtgiN1W.png

  • http://omgdroid.com/ Tony Simons

    This. Is. Epic.

    • http://www.androidpolice.com/ Artem Russakovskii

      And Eric.

  • Jack

    Is this what constitutes humour in America?

  • http://platypus.blox.pl/ najodleglejszy

    wat

  • pastech

    What? This MUST be total BS, why would Android Police even post garbage like this as it's obviously FAKE...

    • http://www.androidpolice.com/ David Ruddock

      Whoosh. (That's the sound a Samsung Apex makes.)

    • M1lkm4n

      You obviously don't know the onion :-D

    • http://www.androidpolice.com/ Artem Russakovskii

      Oh my god, it's fake? Fuck. We fucked up. Fuck fuck fuck.

      • http://www.androidpolice.com/author/eric-ravenscraft/ Eric Ravenscraft

        Wait, then who the hell took my pre-order money?!

        • http://www.androidpolice.com/ David Ruddock

          You really blew it, Eric.

          • squiddy20

            Did he now? DID HE? :P

          • Perv Bear

            Did you have to say this? Now we are going to get arrested develement jokes.

        • Havoc70

          Well that money is blown

  • http://www.androidpolice.com/ David Ruddock

    Seriously people, it's a joke. And it's actually a pretty funny joke that most of the AP staff rather enjoyed. If you're offended by a video parody of a fellatio-providing Google Glass knockoff, perhaps it's time to step away, take a deep breath, and evaluate just how seriously you take the internet.

    If you didn't find it funny, that's entirely your prerogative. No one is saying you are not allowed to think it's dumb. I think The Big Bang Theory is dumb. Some people think Monty Python is dumb.

    But if your time is so valuable and you are so serious about everything Android that you have no room in your life for something silly, maybe you shouldn't have clicked a link that had "NSFW" and "Oral Sex" in the title.

    • squiddy20

      Just curious, when you refer to TBBT, is that the actual theory, or the TV show? And why, if you don't mind?

      • http://www.androidpolice.com/ David Ruddock

        The show. I shouldn't, but briefly:

        1.) Laugh tracks should be illegal.
        2.) References for reference's sake. Getting something because you get it does not make it funny.
        3.) For the non-geeks, most of the physical / crude humor is dumbed down and family-friendlied up to keep viewership.
        4.) Bazinga. Just, no.

        • http://www.androidpolice.com/ Artem Russakovskii

          I used to enjoy TBBT at first. Maybe for one season. Now, it's a joke.

          And the laugh tracks in that show are the worst of any show I've ever seen I think. Awful, just awful.

          Penny. Just no.

          • sy

            Woah just Woah penny is very much doable I would give up my S pen just for just 5 minutes with her breast. Lol now the rest I agree with you on lol

        • squiddy20

          *GASP* Blasphemy!

          I kid, I kid. Everyone's entitled to their own opinion. Now that you mention it though, I do agree with you on your first point. Really annoying, especially when I'm already laughing at the latest joke, and then the laugh track comes on after an ~2 second pause... But I like the show well enough to keep watching it.

        • Jesslyn Hendrix

          That is what I liked so much about Fringe--heck, or even Frasier if you want to stick with comedies. I never felt like they were being dumbed down for the masses.

        • abqnm

          @rdr0b11:disqus @archon810:disqus You guys know that the (admittedly overdone) laugh "track" is actually live? The show is one of the few remaining shows filmed in front of a live audience. So while I don't support laugh tracks in general, it is better than canned laughter.

    • S. Ali

      Tasteless joke. Seems AP is running out of content. This filth still shows up in people's feed even if they didn't want to see it. Absolutely shameful.

      • http://www.androidpolice.com/ David Ruddock

        Shameful for who, exactly? I'm feeling precisely zero shame right now.

        • Krzysztof Jozwik

          Humor and pleasure are both shameful abominations. God condemns them both. Have you not read the old testament by which we should be living our lives. STONE ALL THE PEOPLE!

        • Vu Viet Anh

          I think the guy is just itching for a blowjob and the video makes him even more uncomfortable with his own boner.

        • RvLeshrac

          Shameful for those of us who are liable to get fired for this shit when we open up our feed reader at work.

          • Frenchy McGee

            Maybe you shouldn't click on things that say 'oral sex' or 'nsfw' in the titles, then. Or here's another thought, do your job at work rather than reading pop culture feeds.

          • RvLeshrac

            This isn't a "pop culture" feed. This is an Android news site, supposedly providing Android-related news, not links to Onion articles. Maybe, just maybe, I work for someone that produces mobile apps.

          • http://www.androidpolice.com/ Artem Russakovskii

            If someone fired you for having an article that says NSFW in the title in your feed reader (or are you implying you read it anyway even though it was marked NSFW and you knew you weren't supposed to read NSFW content at work?), then you would have grounds for a serious lawsuit. Wait, I forgot this was the internet where exaggerations are practically part of the HTML.

          • RvLeshrac

            Feed reader displays full content. Additionally, the United States is primarily at-will employment, where you can be terminated at any time, for any reason or no reason.

      • Krzysztof Jozwik

        ZERMAGERDZ BABY JESUS WILL CRY FOR MILLENIA!!

      • Ben Baranovsky

        Since you clearly can't handle adult content, I've gone ahead and found an article on the best websites for children. I hope you enjoy your clean fun :)

        http://www.digitaltrends.com/how-to/ten-best-websites-for-kids/

      • Mark

        It's definitely gone down the pan sensationalist American tripe.

      • http://www.androidpolice.com/ Artem Russakovskii

        Running out of content? Nope.

        By the way, stop stealing words out of the dictionary. And don't forget to stop reading all the sites who source other sites while you're at it.

        • abqnm

          Was going to say it was a slow news day, but it seems more of a faux news day.

          That and the Apex will likely peak in popularity before it ever even makes it inside (the US) and will end up pretty anticlimactic.

          • Vu Viet Anh

            Yeah because Google releases one version of android every day.

      • Chris

        who's holding a gun to your head telling you to read this? Yep.No one. Just keep scrooling or visit another site. Better yet, just turn off your computer and go outside for some fresh air.

      • Sheikh Yerbooty

        You sound frustrated S. Ali, perhaps you need the 2nd generation Apex yourself with the sphincter tickler.

      • Justin Foster

        I feel where you're coming from, Ali, but we can only live by and share our ethics and morals with others. We cannot enforce or impose them, that's left to the law, and they have the freedom of speech. I, for one, disdain sexual innuendos, but some don't have that boundary. While it's an important topic of discussion, this just isn't the place for it. Maybe inbox one of the writers personally? The posts on anyone's site are going to reflect their personal convictions, restraints, and lack thereof; just as your comment reveals your own. At least the author was kind enough to keep most of the explicit language within the article and outside of the title (which had warnings of the content in it).

      • sao

        Why on earth would did you bother clicking and reading this "filth"? I, for one, saw "Oral sex" in the title and rushed to read the article, and was extremely satisfied to know that some dicks got sucked. Just wish I could stick mine in there somewhere.

      • mustbepbs

        Go cry some more, wanker.

      • RvLeshrac

        That's the real problem. Some of us have feed readers we browse at work. We don't put any fucking porn on them, and we don't expect the feeds we put on them to carry NSFW content.

        • http://www.androidpolice.com/ Artem Russakovskii

          Sorry, we post NSFW things sometimes, and we mark them NSFW. And did you just really imply this was porn?

    • ButterBabe

      Source: The Onion

      All I need...

    • Jose Torres

      ...or you can just say "fuck - giving discontinued until further notice"

    • http://ubuntu-su.blogspot.com/ Kleverson Royther

      I got to be honest. I was not offended, but I just didn't like this joke, though I got the pun. I tend to be easy to laugh, and I tried, but I couldn't... I think it's childish and foolish, like that 15-year old jokes about eating mum's ass and such things, but I goota respect your opinion and your sense of humor.
      This is your site, this is your post, you do what you want... I won't stop reading just because it wasn't funny (I gotta admit, it was creative and well done, though, congrats for the guys on The Onion for that). But I felt like telling you this because I know feedback is important for anyone with a website.
      When I saw other people complaining, though, they often intended to say you'e childish because of that. I got to disagree. You were clever enough to recognize the level of the joke and I know you were (your tag assures me that), this, for me, is smarter than any clever joke around the web, because clever jokes can come from anyone, but the only certainty we have about the "mental age" of a joker comes from when one recognizes its level...

      • suck3rs

        I hate your profile picture

        • http://ubuntu-su.blogspot.com/ Kleverson Royther

          I was expecting this kind of comment. Still, that's feedback, you're welcome.

    • Jason Brown

      bbt is dumb? blasphemy! oh well. to each his own.

    • antifud

      it wouldn't be highlighting how AP staff do such a poor job if you had actually mentioned that it was from the Onion in the headline instead of just as source/in the video itself. I have no problem with the content, and your sidetrack is just showing how poorly you guys do. Way to pull a Romero right there, folks.

      • http://www.androidpolice.com/ Artem Russakovskii

        The whole point was not to advertise it's TheOnion content until the end.

        • antifud

          that's supposed to do what, exactly? be lazy? It can be funny even if it says it's from the onion upfront.

    • Fernando Rodríguez Herrera

      I think that there should be a line between what can be published on a website like Android Police and what can be left aside.
      This is unnecessary bad taste, and if I were the editor of AP (which I reckon I am not) I would have left people to find that video in other ways (social networks, forums et al.). The "Android Police" that I like shouldn't bother posting such low-level "news"... even if they are NSFW. If I want to go NSFW I already know my way without anyone pointing it for me ;-)

      Thanks for your understanding.

  • inzandity

    I actually found it funny... too bad everybody else is a tight ass on the internet!

    • M1lkm4n

      They should wait for the 2nd generation model

      • http://www.androidpolice.com/ Artem Russakovskii

        Ohhhh, took me a bit but I see what you did tharr.

      • andy_o

        awww I wanted to make that joke.

  • iamnotfan

    I tried it at local Samsung store, damn its too heavy
    I will wait for the version 2

    • Perv Bear

      Go to the gym.

  • Johnathan Smith

    I'm lost for words

    • Perv Bear

      No you are not.

      • http://twitter.com/Telanis_ Telanis

        No shit, Sherlock.

  • impure

    I learned of this video through Android Police, not The Onion's youtube channel. Feedly is good but doesn't update as fast as Reader. I miss Google Reader already.

  • PhilNelwyn

    Oh... so that's what people mean when they say TouchWiz sucks?
    That explains Samsung's success...

    • http://www.androidpolice.com/ Artem Russakovskii

      Bingo.

  • http://www.androidpolice.com/ Artem Russakovskii

    The Internet was invented for this video. That's a fact.

  • Esmail Sewid

    lmfao

  • king

    LOOOOOOL this just made my day. but I wish it was real

  • Garry DeWitt

    10/10

    samsung has got me "by the balls"

    • http://www.androidpolice.com/ David Ruddock

      +1 would read again.

  • Cristian Borsa

    Most times, the Onion covers current events better than mainstream media.

    Just look at their mockup of the Google phone from a few years back. Brilliant.

  • Rob

    "Units". Yes. HAHAHAHAHA. Eric gets the best articles. Well, sometimes. That one app where you put hats and mustaches on your junk - not so much. :-)

  • Gav456

    Very arousing

    • Gav456

      Amusing*

  • Matthew

    sure, this sort of post is odd for AP to have, and yes, it is crude, but AP staff has never had a strict policy of the moral high ground

    I feel tagging the post with satire or "joke" would have stopped many angry comments.

    • http://www.androidpolice.com/ Artem Russakovskii

      I thought the "humor" and "I'm 12 years old" tags were sufficient.

    • Freak4Dell

      People read the tags?

  • Ben Baranovsky

    That was the funniest thing. Whenever I'm raving about some new gadget, there's always at least one person that says, "Oh, does it also suck your d*ck?". Now I can say yes! :p

  • Andrew Kachaniwsky

    Regardless of the content.... I'm a little upset that AndroidPolice, a "news" site, would regurgitate something from The Onion, and not be transparent in the article that this is a joke news site and there's nothing legit about this video. (I see the "Source" in the footer.. but not all users are familiar with all your sources).

    I'm all for humor and parody, it can even have a home in the posts from AP.. but trying to pass off a joke news story as fact is kinda shitty of them, imho. (There's one day a year where I can't trust my newsfeeds.. and they're 3 months late).

    That said.. the video is kinda funny.. but this isn't proper reporting without giving context.

    • Krzysztof Jozwik

      What part of this story makes you even consider it to be fact?

      • Andrew Kachaniwsky

        Its presence on AndroidPolice, sitting alongside all the other news stories.

        • Krzysztof Jozwik

          So if they posted "The aliens have come and everyone is dead" you'd believe it because it's on this site, even though clearly you wouldn't be dead since you'd be reading the story?

          • Andrew Kachaniwsky

            I'd be just as upset if they posted that sort of post, yes. Just as upset as I'd be if I saw something similar on CNN or on my local evening news.

            I'm not talking about "believing" stories. I'm saying that news sources have a responsibility to be transparent and forthcoming about the facts. If you're going to re-post a parody or joke article, at least make this fact very obvious to your readers. Masquerading a parody article as "real news" by avoiding any special labeling seems inappropriate to me and damages the trust I have put in AP.

  • Bendichi

    this comment section is pure gold

  • Krzysztof Jozwik

    I think all the hate in the comments is from people who's hopes were raised by the fact that they could one day pay for a blowjob, they've never heard of hookers.

    • Chris

      the android nerds here cant even get a girl, how are they gonna get a hooker?

      • Freak4Dell

        I don't think you understand what a hooker is.

      • Krzysztof Jozwik

        With money. That's what hookers do, sell sex.

  • Thatguyfromvienna

    Is this pubertypolice.com?

  • Thatguy

    This is what happens when guys on 4chan get influence on marketing

  • Ray

    Gold! Thanks for posting AP. Good to see sense of humor from you.

  • Tylers

    The post was good, but the comment section even more, one of the best I read here in fact! So much puns and haters hating xD.

  • jeffmd

    The exec interview is what got me.. "It does everything AND it sucks your dick!". You don't hear that often enough. These things should get like a satire tag for the front page though.

  • Jake

    Indignant people acting like this is Meet The Press. It's Android Police, not a legitimate news site (no offense). Get over yourselves.

  • SamsungApexNO1Fan

    What features does this have? S Wipe? Smart Stroke?

  • NemaCystX

    LOL this would have been better for April fools day lol

    I'm shocked Samsung didn't get its lawyers involved in this for using its official logo though.

  • Dushyant Verma

    Pathetic for Android police,,, if i want such cheap jokes, i would be visiting The onion itself,, not android police. I consider it very high quality website and Family safe. Such posts degrade the quality of AP.

    • anthony

      Really? It was funny and its about technology. And did you not see the NSFW or NOT SAFE FOR WORK TAG? GG Noob

      • Dushyant Verma

        Don't act childish,,Every loyal reader can give his feedback. You may think different than me and its fine but do not act like noob just because you disagree with me. Post a new comment singing all praises, i don't mind.

    • Wesley Modderkolk

      The NSFW tag is there for a reason

      • Dushyant Verma

        I am Businessman. i can do or watch whatever i want in my office. I am heavy Google reader user, reads 1000+ articles daily. I have no problem with NSFW tag or DIck jokes. But i don't want such articles from AP. I recommended AP to my nephews who are 12 & 14 years old and in India, we don't use dicks and oral sex like america. And who reads the tags ("I am twelve years old", most pathetic tag)

        So, AP can post whatever they like. Its their blog and i am not going to stop reading AP just because of this article But i don't feel good about AP after reading this post. (Also, i am reading AP since day 1 and i have never posted any comment, except for giveaways, but i was compelled to give my feedback. No further comments from my side on this issue.

        • Wesley Modderkolk

          You sure can watch what you want, but dont whine about how it isnt "family safe" when it is clearly announced with the [NSFW] in the title.

  • Ngo Ngoc Tien

    Use this theme to make your blogger to professional: Vina Entertainment Blogger Template
    Demo here: cliphai.com

  • ash71ish

    i don't appreciate it AP. Don't do this please.

    • http://www.androidpolice.com/ Artem Russakovskii

      If you don't appreciate this, don't read anything that says NSFW in the title. Simple.

      • needa

        sounds like a retort from someone that didnt think they would get all of the negative reactions. twelve viewers on your podcast eh?

        • http://www.androidpolice.com/ Artem Russakovskii

          What? What does that podcast have to do with anything? And where are you getting these nonsensical numbers from?

          • needa

            shows how much you pay attention to your site.

  • Fernando Rodríguez Herrera

    Still, this is the kind of articles I don't like to see in Android Police.

  • yay

    I was like, wth? Then I saw "The Onion" and was like... "OOOH, okay"

    good job, AndroidPolice ;)

  • SC

    Worst Article

  • JR

    Dick joke. Ha.

  • Miracle Zhou

    Not funny. I did not expect to see this on AP.

  • FrillArtist

    Wow. Way to scrape the bottom of the barrel, Android Police. Turning into a rag now.

  • Lumi

    I thought I time travelled to Apr 1 2014

  • lv

    Samsung really really builds non sense products and does not have a quality and innovative revolutionary stuff. They use marketing strategies to hypnotize consumers to buy.
    Non sense gadgeds

  • needa

    joke or not, there are kids that read this site.

    • http://www.androidpolice.com/ Artem Russakovskii

      Hate to break it to you but if the kids are on the Internet, they'd already figured out that there's sexual content, profanity, and all kinds of weird crap here. And then there's reddit...

      • needa

        true. but you dont have to add to it.

  • Jed Wheeler

    You're aware that The Onion is a satire site and this is fake, right?

  • Charlie Newman

    I lost it at, "Hahaha, 'Units'"

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