23
Apr
tainticontiny
Last Updated: May 4th, 2013

You're a dick. I mean, in this game. Well, you could be a dick in real life, for all I know, but that's not what we're talking about. We're talking about phalluses. Why are we talking about phalluses? Because sometimes when we're trying to track down great games and apps for you guys to try, we accidentally stumble upon male genitalia. The Play Store is much like Chatroulette in that regard.

Note: NSFW cartoon imagery and language follows.

taint1 taint2

taint3 penispowerups

Because who doesn't want a good "penis power-up," right?

How did my life come to this? Hi. This game stars a penis. A penis with a gun, because that's not scary as hell at all. And what is this particular private part's mission in life? Why, it's to destroy all the walking, talking, queefing (I'm not making this up) vaginas. If you're thinking about playing this game, however, I will warn you that it is awkward and clumsy. "Bullets" are represented by black, square blocks and controls aren't responsive. Oh, and also it's fucking genitals shooting at each other. Why do you want to play this?

I've written about some weird friggin' games in my time at Android Police. However, I don't think I've had anything this bizarre quite yet. Certainly nothing this obviously crass. Taint Wrangler is available in the Play Store for $0.99, and will probably be pulled in about five seconds.

Update: Called it. It's down. But pictures on the internet are forever.

Update #2: If you really want to check it out, Taint Wrangler can be downloaded from the developer's site for $1.

Eric Ravenscraft
Eric is a snarky technophile with a taste for the unusual. When he's not obsessing about Android, you can usually find him obsessing about movies, psychology, or the perfect energy drink. Eric weaves his own special blend of snark, satire, and comedy into all his articles.

  • http://www.techthirst.com/ Anuj Ahooja

    What the hell did I just read?

  • Dima Aryeh

    Thrust into adventure. Brilliant.

    • http://www.androidpolice.com/ David Ruddock

      I laughed way too long and hard at that.

      • http://www.androidpolice.com/ Artem Russakovskii

        Credit goes to the game creator for that one.

        • Dima Aryeh

          Yep, it's in the banner.

        • http://www.androidpolice.com/ David Ruddock

          Whoosh.

      • Lucifer

        Oh jeez! I cum into this topic section to see terrible puns...

        • http://them3blog.wordpress.com/ Abel

          you just won the INTERNET

          • http://www.androidpolice.com/ Artem Russakovskii

            No, he really didn't.

      • Pallav

        ಠ_ಠ

    • Ivan Myring

      Ooh... Cocky

  • http://turbofool.com Jarrett Lennon Kaufman

    If it was free there's nothing you could do to keep me from downloading this.

    • Jachym Kokesh Lukes

      You wouldn't pay for the cock?

      • Joshua Percell

        He wants the D...

  • Oh God why

    ._.

  • OmarioAmriky

    Mystical pussy warriors...
    ...
    ...
    Good GOD this is epic!

  • nebula

    Wow, thats huge. 278mb?

    • mswansonxi

      That's what she said. Bazing!

    • Constantine Smith

      That's what she said

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1745689461 Hal Motley

        Or he. XD

    • br_hermon

      That's what she said!

    • Bob

      As the actress said to the bishop

    • http://meatcastle.com/ Youre My Boy Bloo

      That's what she said!

    • Mehmet Fatih YILDIRIM

      That's what she said

    • http://twitter.com/trickedoutdavid David Margolin

      That's what she said

    • Gareth Murfin

      that's what she said.

  • http://www.androidpolice.com/ Artem Russakovskii

    This game had me at Penis Power-Ups.

    Also: Pyramid of Poon.

    • http://them3blog.wordpress.com/ Abel

      penis upgrades... for her comfort

      • Jachym Kokesh Lukes

        I guess if a girlfriend would catch the person playing it... it would be a lot of explaining. Blame AP for the fail :) Good it ain't free..

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003826140059 Daniel Garmo

      please god we need an APK Artem DO IT FOR YOUR FAITHFUL NEXUS WARRIORS

      • http://www.androidpolice.com/ Artem Russakovskii

        If you think I downloaded that crap, you're grossly mistaken. Now, Eric on the other hand...

        But seriously, paid app distribution is a no-no.

        • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003826140059 Daniel Garmo

          not even for your nexus warriors? HOW DARE YOU! IT WAS ANDROID POLICE CONFIRMED DAMMIT!

          /unjerk yeah i understand i hope we can buy it somehow.

          • http://www.androidpolice.com/ Artem Russakovskii

            You really don't want it. The game is garbage.

  • http://twitter.com/cabbieBot cabbieBot

    This is the best thing I've ever read. Ever.

    • Kostas

      Maybe you should read more often xD

      • http://twitter.com/cabbieBot cabbieBot

        Things this tops:

        The Federalist Papers
        Letters To Penthouse
        Meditations on First Philosophy
        The Affordable Care Act
        The BoxCar Children volumes 1 through infinity
        The Unibomber Manifesto

        Contraindications of the medications I am currently on

        and its not even close

  • Jobeth Palacio

    The only game where in-game steroids actually decrease your health bar.

    • mustbepbs

      StarCraft.

  • http://www.facebook.com/martialc Martial Clausse

    Gives the whole 'gender wars' thing a new meaning...

  • József Király

    "Take your destiny in both hands..." It doesn't fit O.o

  • Scott

    Absolutely hilarious.

  • Henri Laukka

    I think it's a welcome change to the games where you just play an ass and do shit.

  • http://twitter.com/ToysSamurai Toys Samurai

    Look at the bright side -- it's a game that would never appear on iOS, not even 5 minutes. So, next time when people ask what games are only exclusive on Android, we can say, "Hmm, I heard about a game called -- damn, what does it call? Penis vs Vaginas, or something like that."

  • Jachym Kokesh Lukes

    278MB Download? That is a lot of cock to handle!, Or wait... that will be all the pussy they promise in the description :)

    I saw, that there were already 10 brave people, who paid for it and downloaded it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1745689461 Hal Motley

    Cameron must have had a lot of fun writing this post. XD

    • http://www.androidpolice.com/ Artem Russakovskii

      We'll never know, especially since he didn't write it.

    • http://www.androidpolice.com/author/eric-ravenscraft/ Eric Ravenscraft

      :(

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1745689461 Hal Motley

        Hahahahahaha! That was a fail.

  • raindog469

    Into every generation a Custer's Revenge is born, apparently.

  • Reginald Spence II

    Damn, it's already been pulled?

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1745689461 Hal Motley

      It has, but it will reappear probably on dark, dank place on the Internet.

      • Nathan

        Its still up, the link is bad, check the devs page

  • HotInEER

    Yep, she's gone. Damn.

  • andy_o

    Isn't the phrase "fucking genitals shooting at each other" redundant?

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000003999549 Mike Harris

      *in

  • Damn Woman

    Shit... Removed... :-( I've just bought it!

  • http://www.youtube.com/kimirPORTALS kimir

    But does it have a happy ending?

  • Ionuț Leonte

    Better than being YET ANOTHER zombie survival game.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1745689461 Hal Motley

      I'm confident that if someone re-invents the wheel on the genre it can be fun again.

  • John O’Connor

    Now on what 3rd party app story may this still be found?

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1745689461 Hal Motley

      Probably not SlideME.

    • http://www.facebook.com/steve.delamater.1 Steve Delamater
      • John O’Connor

        Coming soon. Hmmm.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000003999549 Mike Harris

    It got yanked? Before I got to play with it? Man, what a stroke of bad luck I've had.

    • DeadSOL

      It's HARD to understand why it was PULLED so early. Maybe I should have COME earlier.

      • akshay7394

        Making the important parts big, it just ruins all the fun, you should try to keep the size down

        • jacob

          i get it - like a penis?

          • akshay7394

            Congratulations!

  • Bobaboo

    Twat do you others think about it?
    I cunt imagine going on with my life without playing this game once.
    Anyone have the .APK for this gem?

  • Jaime

    I lol'd reading the update hahaha

  • Matthew Priddy

    Already gone it seems.

  • Robert Iagar

    and it's off the market, or your links are broken...

  • Rob

    "You're a dick. I mean, in this game!" LMAO. Best. Opening. Line. Ever. :-)

  • http://www.facebook.com/vivecuervo7 Isaac Dedini

    APK anyone, please?

  • Ken

    He should totally have been in the army. His name? Private Parte

  • blitz4075

    don't be so suburban

  • dude

    I haven't played it nor have any intention of downloading it, but base on the description and the screenshots I don't understand why this have been pulled. What exact Google policy does it violated? Okay so it might have adult contents, why don't they implement age checking and a warning of included contents before clicking on the link, like they have with YouTube? If they pull this, they have to pull a lot of other porn crapwares and spam apps from the PlaySore to be consistent as well.
    And screw Google for not giving people refunds for pulled apps.

  • http://twitter.com/Andrey4android Андрей

    I don't think that I regret about pulling it out from the Play. Nor I don't think that I really wanted to play this game.

    But the text of the article by it's own is made me smile. Thank you for that! :D

  • Jachym Kokesh Lukes

    ... and it is gone.