17
Mar
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This morning, I got a new app tip in my inbox with an inconspicuous subject "New android app." Not knowing what to expect, I opened it up and read the following, followed by the app's description:

Good news! We just launched a new essential android application: the Wankometer.

At this point, I stopped reading, experiencing conflicting feelings that can only be described as a mix of extreme WTFness, curiosity, and preliminary pride for the Android platform (I had a feeling that Steve Jobs would not let this app into the iOS App Store, and I was right).

I was not let down.

In fact, what you're about to witness here is a work of art of sorts, pure genius, mankind's brilliance... I could go on. Think of what this app could be like, and I promise you that your mind will be blown, and whatever you just imagined is nothing compared to what you're about to see.

It's real. It's unique. It's got stats. Rankings. Charts. Burned calories.

Alright, that's enough, I will say no more. Behold, the Wank-o-meter:

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And now the app:

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What can I say? Just when I think I've seen it all, and there's already an app for everything, I am proven wrong time and time again. Today is no exception.

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P.S. To those not seeing the tremendous amount of humor in the above, I say one thing: go use this app and calm down.

Source: Wankometer

Artem Russakovskii
Artem is a die-hard Android fan, passionate tech blogger, obsessive-compulsive editor, bug hunting programmer, and the founder of Android Police.
Most of the time, you will find Artem either hacking away at code or thinking of the next 15 blog posts.

  • Ron H in Schenectady

    Hilarious! Steve Jobs definitely wouldn't allow this app into the App Store.....unless...it were renamed "Hand Jobs." LOL.

    • David Ruddock

      Tip of the hat to you for that one, Ron.

  • http://schpydurx.livejournal.com ProfessorTom

    A perfect app for Android fanboys!

    • David Ruddock

      Have to admit, I lol'd.

  • lord_marak

    It's like my own personal...er...well...trainer?...eeeeh...not quite...but very entertaining nonetheless...

  • http://blog.firstdove.com Christian

    I hate to say it, but the UI's pretty well designed for an app of this nature. I'm just glad there are screenshots and I didn't have to download it to see it for myself. =P

  • http://wut.thatsnobrontosaur.us Jarmo Frankenstein

    So, any recommendations on strapping techniques?

    • Mocha K

      Wow I thought i was the only one who wanted to know.

    • http://www.geeknik.com/ geeknik

      Just use some rubber bands.. If your hand goes to sleep.. Well, you know.. ;)

      • Evil Scooter

        ...the Stranger! You can also use this to balance out your left and right arm by monitoring your stats.

    • Xcom923

      I was wondering that too. Maybe they sell the accessories. it looks pretty well designed for such an app.

  • lulz

    Maybe...Trojan?

    • Tom

      If all you're doing is wanking, I don't think you need a Trojan.

      • J2col

        'twas a pun. As in, a virus.

  • Andrew

    Random thoughts:
    - I think I saw a vibrator app out there at one time.
    - Regardless of tastelessness, it is nice to have an OS where I set the guidelines, not some billionaire megalomaniac.
    - Gyroscopes are the big new sensor for phones this year; 2015: pheromone detectors...think of the possibilities (may cut into the downloads of the wankometer).

  • vernon

    i am getting this one ...

  • Nicole

    I love imagining how it must've started. "we should make an app that......!" then just add friends and alcohol :) Brilliant, gentlemen! I love it!!

  • http://nonplus.us just b

    Actually, this is only half-way there.
    It would be better if it used the camera and did motion detection, then EVERYONE could use it for a variety of (sexual) tasks: from a woman's fingers to a good doogy-style pounding.

  • Alouch47

    This app if out in french for a week now.
    Tested and approved ^^
    The thing is my Galaxy S doesn't like to be shaked furiously for too long :D

  • Jeff

    dang app. now my phone is stuck to my hand!!! any one have napkins?

  • Mutt

    What kind of permissions does this app require?!?!?

    • http://blog.firstdove.com Christian

      Eh...'Consensual'. But then that's a given; I mean you're by yourself, you're bored...

  • http://blog.firstdove.com Christian

    Okay, all jokes aside now, I wonder if the tracking capabilities of the app can be better used to track other.. erm... 'similar' activities (for lack of a better word), such as powerballs and free weights?

    • http://schpydurx.livejournal.com ProfessorTom

      Well, even if it doesn't, because this is Android and the App is Open Source, you should be able to modify the code to add the and such addiontal features.

      • http://blog.firstdove.com Christian

        Mmm? Where does it say that the app is open-source?

  • http://mostlythis.com Mac

    well actually....

    http://itunes.apple.com/gb/app/matt-berrys-sexytime-soundtrack/id417014792?mt=8

    can be used for the same thing, but with added comedy input from IT Crowd boss matt berry :)

  • Joshp406

    Remember kids, when they said Android is for porn, take their word for it!

  • paul

    Have you used the app? We need a... 'hands on' review. I mean how stable is the app, how accurate is it? Have you compared its accuracy to other apps? We need detailed quality reporting from AP!

    • http://www.AndroidPolice.com Artem Russakovskii

      Thanks, we'll... let the readers test it out this time.

      • ottermann

        Adam Frucci tested the fleshlight ottoman thingy when he was with Gizmodo...
        The least you guys could do is "take one for the team"...

  • Maddox

    I imagine this would get pretty strenuous when used with heavier devices, such as the thunderbolt. May be good resistance training! Though you better watch out if your a one-hander kind of guy. I mean, me personally... I only use my left. Imagine getting one arm all beefed up!

    hahahaha this is too good.

  • http://hnb1982.com Jim Howard

    I made a video on it for YouTube:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DZ3WeO9Gkis

    • http://blog.firstdove.com Christian

      Looking at what's being discussed, I'm afraid to click on that link... xD

  • ottermann

    Make sure you have a good screen protector on that phone.